Ugly shit

Today is Ugly Old lady day here at the store. One woman just came in wearing these hideous glasses from the 80's. I wanted to pull them off her face and step on them. This is what Im talking about. What a terrible look! I remember when my mom used to wear old bag glasses and it just made her face look fat and flabby. Also, what is the deal with old women and their hair? Why does it never look shiny and healthy? It's always dried out and looks like pubescent hair. Its like straw and frizzes... and then its always hacked off and short. What is the deal with old women looking doughey. They have no muscle they have big round butts and a stomach pooch and bad teeth. I mean is this what happens after having children? I hope to god that I dont look like these train wrecks when I get old.What ever happened to old women having long grey hair in a nice braid down their back? I love the look of a sweet grey haired old lady that looks almost fragile with clear blue eyes that are almost glass like. I'm such a bitch I know- but I hate the women that are walking into this store today- they have no taste they are stupid and mindless and they are all getting on my last nerve. It's rare that I would find a woman that comes into this store that I do like right off the bat. I'm actually ashamed to be a woman- a once proud strong race... we are now these sped up drugged up mindless idiots driving gigantic SUV's at 80 miles an hour in a school zones and raising horrid selfish little booger eaters that turn out to be assholes when they get older because mommy and daddy got divorced at that critical age. Isnt life grand?

Horse Dreams

The weather is starting to shape up and the sun has an addictive warmth to it that wont let you stay indoors. Meanwhile I'm about 7 weeks pregnant and feel as though I have constant sea-sickness and bloat. I just want to have a horse right now. Almost every night for the past month I have been dreaming of Ashford Farm and riding beautiful horses over 6' fences and galloping up hills over fences and over rivers. I wake up with nothing but cramps, nausea, and hunger pains. I thought pregnancy would be a lot of fun but now that the weather is gorgeous all I want to do is trade the cost of a baby for a horse. Isnt that just awful? When I was at Tyler I was living the life. I painted all day and went riding in the afternoons in between classes. I bartended and took care of the horses at night, it was the perfect deal. I feel like crying... I'm so out of shape I'm longing to just get outside and bask in the sun.

Most of my friends ride horses... and it pisses me off to see that they are all riding their horses and hanging out at the barn. Mean while I'm at this dead end job feeling like shit and worrying about how this might be the biggest mistake of my life. Once this kid comes I wont be able to go riding for years. I'm mad that all of the money that I could be spending on my horse will be eaten up in diapers and food and clothes for this kid instead. Is it terrible that I would prefer a horse over a kid?

I do complain a lot.... I just hope that if I have a miscarriage it happens early enough that I can get to riding this summer... The only benefit right now of being pregnant is that I'm not showing yet, but my boobs have gone up a whole size... and I'm loving them. I think that if I lose this kid I will also get breast implants and a historectomy. What a perfect life... big boobs, no periods, and a farm/horse. That really is my dream.

I'm so disapointed with everything lately. I want to travel, and live someplace warm. Now I'm stuck in Pennsylvania for the next couple years... It makes me want to rip my hair out how this situation has changed everything I desire. I wish I wasnt so fucking old- this is what I get, I should have done all of this stuff years ago when I was 23 or 24. I should have gone to school in Italy, and traveled, I should have gotten a good job in another state and stayed there for a few years... I should have saved up my money to buy a horse someplace warm like Florida.... instead I sat here in stupid Philadelphia rotting my life away at a piece of shit school earning a piece of shit certificate that doesnt mean shit. I would totally go back in time and never go to Moore, I would work abroad with horses- who knows I could be in New Zealand right now galloping on the beach or something.

At least I'm married to a nice man that treats me well... I could have ended up getting knocked up by some bad ass boyfriend that treated me like shit, or even worse, I could have been raped while walking home one night and beaten to a pulp... at least that didnt happen. I guess I should feel lucky that I am surrounded by good friends and family... my life could suck so much more.... this weather is driving my crazy.