The world is coming to an end.

This world is so negative.... so many things are going wrong in the world. For instance we had an earthquake the other day in Philadelphia... wtf? On top of this it has been raining nonstop with thunder storms for the past 3 weeks... All of August has been nothing but rain on and off. Then the stock market is fucked- I know nothing about stock markets except I know when it isn't working too well. Now there is a hurricane coming that is hitting all of the east coast... none of these states are used to this type of weather. There are wars going on and raging people all over the world. In Philadelphia there were a band of retarded teenager kids going around beating random strangers up on the street. So now there is a curfew. London, there are riots of the sort. People are angry and freaked out and feel that they deserve more. Next will be a horrible outbreak of some virus or chemical weapon and people are going to get scared and freak out. I'm not the type to panic, but I am one to notice when other people are freaking out. What is this world coming to? nobody has a job STILL, our government has no money and is in debt, things are just getting worse. It's a sign. That we as a nation, we as humans, we as a planet SUCK, and are fucking up our values, countries, environment, and co-inhabitants. I have been feeling a little dead in the brain lately. I can't help it. I have nothing to be excited about.... except for my son learning to walk and when he laughs. He is my only joy in this world. I love him more then anything in the world... and I'm afraid that I have brought him to a place that will soon be hell. I have an instinct to protect my family, but I doubt there is anything I can do to stop the world from sucking.

Even the small things suck. Like for instance our ceiling is caving in from all the rain that we are having. We called the roofing guys to come and they did... (5 hours late) and did an assessment. They told us that they would be back at 8:30 am the next morning to start the job. Not only did they not show up, but they wont even return our phone calls. Meanwhile it is pouring again and instead of being worry free about the ceiling, we just have to watch it cave in more. This is what I mean by people SUCKING. Nobody does a good job anymore. Another example is today I thought I would look on Pets finder for a dog that might be nice to adopt for our son. I was really just looking... I don't think I'm ready for a dog just yet. Anyway, I find these urgent listings of dogs that are going to be gassed in the next 24 hours if they don't find someone to foster them. There isn't anything wrong with these dogs.... well that's a lie, actually there was one dog with tumors all over it, and the other dog had something wrong with its eyelids. The owners just dump them in front of the gassing house to die. People are so un responsible I can't stand it! People are so unloving. I hate it all... it makes me so angry, how people SUCK. I have noticed that people have become ruder at work too.... people that are supposed to be helping you... don't. Or I have noticed that people are almost shocked when I say a simple please or thank you and make eye contact. Simple life skills.... I have noticed to be gone from the American people. Instead I see fat, sweaty pigs walking around soaking up the atmosphere doing nothing to contribute to society, or humanity. They are just giant lumps of nothing- they take take take.... never give, or add, or help.. I think these types of people should be dumped off at a shelter to sit in cages seeing if someone might want to adopt them... most likely no. Oh well... they were useless to this earth anyway.

Maybe this is why teenagers riot. I mean look at all the angry things I am saying... look at the hate I have. I don't know if teenagers are that contrived however... I think they just do it because they are bored and their parents suck.

That's another good topic.... What is the deal with the kids today? Why are they so rude?! They have no manners towards their elders or their parents. Most of the kids that I have met are spoiled brats. They have been given everything they desire to shut them up, or to give them something to do. "Here Violet, I got you this game boy, ok now go play" Meanwhile Violet would have been just as happy to go to a theme park with her parents for the day. In fact I bet the memory would have lasted longer. I rarely meet a kid now-a days that is normal. If they are nice, then they are weird.... they are sexually weird... like boy's that act like girls, Girls that act like boys.... you know the emo sensitive types. Meanwhile, I am raising my son in all of this, and I'm scared.

I just want a farm!!! That's all.... some land. I want to grow a vegetable garden. I want a painting studio, or artist studio. I want large open pastures for my goats, horses, chickens, and cow to roam. I want a little bit of forest for my boy to run and play in. I want there to be a stream nearby for tubing, or canoeing. I don't want to be able to see my neighbor. Speaking of neighbors... that's another thing that sucks. Our neighbors are so Politically Correct. Harry and Eileen are their names. They had 3 boys. Tommy, Billy, and Mikey. Notice how all three names have a "Y" on the end. So gay. Anyway, the boys have left the next and now it's just the two love birds alone in their perfect house, with their perfect yard, and their perfect stainless steal gas grill. Harry grills some amazing smelling steaks and the two love birds sit outside drinking wine and eating their well cooked means while chatting feverishly to each other. Did you hear that? What in hell are they talking about?? That's what I want to know. They have been married for like 20 something years, they work together, they have no other friends that I have ever seen. What in hell are they talking about?? I have been married for 2 years and have nothing to say to my husband, except "can you do this?" blah blah blah. Harry is weird. He is 6' something. Tall enough to see over the fence diving our yards. I am up early with the boy like 6:30ish... and by 7:30 I am outside smoking a cigarette and contemplating how the world is going to end when I see Harry walking up the back of his back yard... what is he doing?? Why is he up so early? Why does he always walk to his back yard? I know that they just got this composed pit.... oh it just dawned on me, maybe he is going to dump his breakfast in the compost bin.... duh.... either that or he wants to make sure that the dead bodies of his former friends aren't reeking havoc through the ground. So anyway, Harry is a strange bow- legged tall man that I am scared to death of. When I was a child I was pushing his retarded son Tommy (who is now the CEO of something fabulous) on the swing, I did an under dog, you know like when you run under the swing? and your supposed to hold onto the chains of the swing. Anyway, retarded Tommy let go and fell off the swing and got the wind knocked out of him... You have never seen Harry run so fast. He yelled at me to go home, picked up his wimpy son and carried indoors as if I had chopped his hand off! I have hated that man ever since. I am never going to forget that Harry you mean man.... think you can bully me around... well I think not, because now I'm writing about how weird you are on my blog. HA. and if you are reading this, thank you for the tomatoes from your garden the other day. They were nice.

Anyway, onto my other neighbor. Big Anne (Nana) Little Anne (The daughter) and Elizabeth Anne (the granddaughter) all living together in the same house... on and Betty the nurses Aid that cares for Nanna. Nana is like 100 something... but back when she was 80 or 90 she would wait for my mother to come home, go upstairs and turn on the light.... yeah that's right... Nana would wait... like a vulture. for my mom. My brother is scared shitless of Nana... that buzzard looking out her window the way she does... you don't have a chance. He stopped mowing the front lawn, because she would yell out her window to chop down a branch off that bush... or say hello to your mother type of thing... it was creepy. You can almost always see her silhouette in the window. The nest part is that she can see into our bathroom...So she no doubt has seen us all naked at some point. Ugh I don't even want to think of that. Her daughter little anne is a piece of work too. She once was my idle... but over the years I lost my love for her. She was a New Yorker that met this sceevy guy, married him, and had their daughter (with missing fingers and toes) . Steve was his name- he was a real piece of work. He beet Anne up when she was pregnant and never told her about this horrible birth defect that he carries.... the missing fingers and toes. Anyway, Anne had to leave him and rushed back to PA to live her mom. Nana. She has been her for almost 18 years now. My mother was very close to them at one point. They once came over for dinner parties and such... but then my rabbit got out and their dog killed it, and they just left a cold message on our machine to come get our rabbit... which was dead on their doorstep. fucked up I know. Ever since then my mom hasn't really talked to them that much. I even invited them to our wedding and they never came.

Neighbors are weird... and that's why I don't want them around. It could be worse... we could have neighbors from hell... with our you just have to watch what you say... watch what you do, I mean you cant go outside naked. Isn't that what life's about? You should be able to walk around naked on your own property.

Anyway, I'm totally rambling now.... I just get angry about everything. I even just got mad looking through the main line magazine... looking at these rich people sitting in their mansions, riding their horses, driving their nice cars, having dinner parties, and catered events.... must be nice.... or maybe no matter how much money you have, life isn't that great. Would love to live in the shoes of millionaire for a week.... just to see if I was in fact happier being poor or rich.

January 2011

Wow, what a year. I had my baby boy on November 4rth. I am now a mother and wife and about to turn 30 years old. Why did I think that this day would never come? I feel some what complete. Watts, my baby boy is a handful, He is sleeping sort of right now and so I have to type fast because he insists on being held non-stop. He only sleeps for 10-15 minutes at a time unless its bed time and then he sleeps for about 3 hours at time. Thank god for that. I feel guilty that I have some how started smoking again, like an asshole... and drinking. two things that I wanted to stop forever, but I feel that these two things make me feel sane in the head. I dont smoke a lot maybe one or two a day. but still I want one all the time. So bad... I feel so guilty. Another thing that sucks right now is that I am running out of money and need to pay school loans. What a hassle. I doubt I will be able to pay my bills next month and will have to ask my husband to help me with the bills... speakingof husband. he just left for nyc for 3 months. how much does that blow? It will be interesting to see how I get on with out him. Another big thing that has happened is that we have moved into my mothers house, and so now I have an amazing babysitter all the time. I'm so spoiled. It worries me that if I want to have another baby she wont be there to help and I wont be able to hand two children. She is going to Turks and Caicos in February to visit family for two weeks, and I will be on my own. I have a few options but in the end I will be in charge of the little one and will have to take care of him on my own... which is a daunting task to say the least. Im so used to handing him off to my mom in the morning so I can get cleaned up and clean up the house. I also am working about two days a week and so she takes care of him during that time. I cant work during those two weeks that she is gone and will lose a lot of money meant to pay back my loans... stressing non?

I'm feeling a wee bit french tonight. Sorry.

Anyway, I'm on my own no matter what for the next three weeks, and I hate nyc, so what do I do. My husband already misses me and wants me to come visit him in his nice apartment, but we both know that this is a bad idea seeing as he needs to study and concentrate on his work.

Oh I dont know. Things are great, I am the luckiest person in the world. My baby watts is so handsome and I love him death, and hes healthy and will be a brilliant little soldier one day... yet I have so many responsibilities that are constantly comromised. I knew this was going to happen, but I thought I could overlook the normal woman and get my cake and eat it too!

I still want a horse, I want to paint, I want to get a full time job that pays salary, and I want to have a large family. Which is these will be compromised? Oh and dont forget I want to look fabulous while doing all of these things effortlessly? I think I actually do look pretty nice recently... not to brag, but I do! My skin looks clear and glowing, and my body is shrinking up nicely, I have hips for the first time in my life and even though I dont fit into a single pair of old jeans I like the challange of loosing the weight healthily to do so. Women make child care soun dlike a full time job, to me its a part time job with a dash of work... but thats because I have a full time mid wife on stand-by. I love my mom... what would I do with out her... She does love to put on a great guilt trip.. but if you ignore that, I am living the life. But I suppose no matter what you give to me, nothing will be perfect. I am always looking for perfect. and nothing will ever be perfect. non?

Corny I know. Alright, the kid is asleep still!!! I'm going to go out for a few drags and few sips of wine and contemplate how my life can be even more perfect...