Wow, what a year. I had my baby boy on November 4rth. I am now a mother and wife and about to turn 30 years old. Why did I think that this day would never come? I feel some what complete. Watts, my baby boy is a handful, He is sleeping sort of right now and so I have to type fast because he insists on being held non-stop. He only sleeps for 10-15 minutes at a time unless its bed time and then he sleeps for about 3 hours at time. Thank god for that. I feel guilty that I have some how started smoking again, like an asshole... and drinking. two things that I wanted to stop forever, but I feel that these two things make me feel sane in the head. I dont smoke a lot maybe one or two a day. but still I want one all the time. So bad... I feel so guilty. Another thing that sucks right now is that I am running out of money and need to pay school loans. What a hassle. I doubt I will be able to pay my bills next month and will have to ask my husband to help me with the bills... speakingof husband. he just left for nyc for 3 months. how much does that blow? It will be interesting to see how I get on with out him. Another big thing that has happened is that we have moved into my mothers house, and so now I have an amazing babysitter all the time. I'm so spoiled. It worries me that if I want to have another baby she wont be there to help and I wont be able to hand two children. She is going to Turks and Caicos in February to visit family for two weeks, and I will be on my own. I have a few options but in the end I will be in charge of the little one and will have to take care of him on my own... which is a daunting task to say the least. Im so used to handing him off to my mom in the morning so I can get cleaned up and clean up the house. I also am working about two days a week and so she takes care of him during that time. I cant work during those two weeks that she is gone and will lose a lot of money meant to pay back my loans... stressing non?
I'm feeling a wee bit french tonight. Sorry.
Anyway, I'm on my own no matter what for the next three weeks, and I hate nyc, so what do I do. My husband already misses me and wants me to come visit him in his nice apartment, but we both know that this is a bad idea seeing as he needs to study and concentrate on his work.
Oh I dont know. Things are great, I am the luckiest person in the world. My baby watts is so handsome and I love him death, and hes healthy and will be a brilliant little soldier one day... yet I have so many responsibilities that are constantly comromised. I knew this was going to happen, but I thought I could overlook the normal woman and get my cake and eat it too!
I still want a horse, I want to paint, I want to get a full time job that pays salary, and I want to have a large family. Which is these will be compromised? Oh and dont forget I want to look fabulous while doing all of these things effortlessly? I think I actually do look pretty nice recently... not to brag, but I do! My skin looks clear and glowing, and my body is shrinking up nicely, I have hips for the first time in my life and even though I dont fit into a single pair of old jeans I like the challange of loosing the weight healthily to do so. Women make child care soun dlike a full time job, to me its a part time job with a dash of work... but thats because I have a full time mid wife on stand-by. I love my mom... what would I do with out her... She does love to put on a great guilt trip.. but if you ignore that, I am living the life. But I suppose no matter what you give to me, nothing will be perfect. I am always looking for perfect. and nothing will ever be perfect. non?
Corny I know. Alright, the kid is asleep still!!! I'm going to go out for a few drags and few sips of wine and contemplate how my life can be even more perfect...
