December- mistakes are future answers.

It is now December... how time flies. I have been completely and utterly torn as to what to do with my life after graduating a second time from a college. This economy is terrible for Interior Designers -( after all it is a luxury, which no one really needs). I originally decided to become a designer because there were so many jobs- great paying jobs for this field... and then this ... nothing. It's like buying a fishing boat, having the best crew, and spending weeks out at sea with not a single catch...

The only thing I caught was a giant amount of debt! Trust me I rather have caught the holy boot. I am having a terrible time paying off my student loans... I am leaning heavily on my family to help me with my burdens. It was a terrible mistake to take out so many school loans... I wish I had known better- I wish I knew more about how to manage my loans. I made the biggest mistake of my life by not applying for scholarships and going to a school that costs so much-when really a degree is a degree at the end of the day.

Another mistake I made was not researching the school that I went to more closely. I thought that I was going to get an MFA in Interior Design but then after spending 3 years at this school I only received a post-bachalorette certificate. I did the same amount of work if not more then I would have if I had gone to a school that would have given me a masters degree.

Yet, another mistake I made was to apply for random loans instead of the same loan... so now I have about 5 different loans which I have extreme difficulty keeping track of, mainly in part because the loans that I got about 5 years ago have been bought out by other loan venders etc. etc... On top of all of this, when I call to consolidate my loans the operator some how always seems to say that I can not consolidate because of this reason or that... which at the end of the day just confuses me more.

To make matters worse I have taken out these loans with my mother as a co-signer, which has put her in a tricky situation. I have to keep track of these loans and stay on top of them, or she will be punished for it. I have dragged my poor mother into all of this mess- If I don't pay my loans in time, her perfect credit will be hurt- something that I will never forgive myself for. This is why, she now needs to help me pay them off. You would have thought she was investing in something... but no, I haven't been able to return any of the money, or lavish her in gifts as much as I want to. (If I ever do get out on top, I would pay off all of my loans, and then buy off my moms house, and give my mom flying lessons... something she has always wanted to do. )

So many mistakes- the worst of which was going to college with out any idea of what I wanted to be in the first place. I started off as a graphic design major, which was a good major to go into, but then when the going got tough, I quit, and switched for an easier route into the painting world, which was a completely useless major, for someone that has no drive or desire to market herself.

So now at the age of 28 I sit here working retail ,making 10 an hour struggling to pay my loans, my rent, and not saving a cent to my name. I cling for dear life to my job which has little to do with my dream and while I sit here waiting on customers, my Interior Design knowledge slowly leaks out and fades away. I have lost so much of my confidence with designing floor plans in CAd and drawing 3D renderings. The competition to get a job in an interior design firm is fierce seeing as most of the interior design veterans have been laid off and are now in competition with me to get into a firm. Most people will admit that I might have a better chance- seeing as I have brand new knowledge of some of the best software and I am most up to date on new materials- however, most firms will only take people with experience- which is something that I have not been granted yet. I have wise ones in my life saying, "it's not what you know, it's WHO you know"... well, who are these people and where do I meet them?

To make matters even more difficult and confusing I have been wandering my sites onto other opportunities such as mural painting, bartending, equestrian instruction, swim instruction, and even other retail ventures... I have dabbled in so many things in my life that I can't seem to chose what my dream really is. I wish I could open a school for random people that want a random life... or create a major in "random" meaning you do everything, and anything you like. Then you work for a company that lets you chose which random job you would like to do for the week! How fun, would that be in my little Seus World?

On a more serious note though, I have always wanted to have a riding academy. This- hands down is my number one choice. I started riding when I was 8 years old, and got the horse bug early on. I have always wanted to be an equestrian- yet, to be a successful equestrian you must have lot's of money, which was not something that I was born with- so this was only given to me as a hobby,( even though if I had been trained with the best, I'm sure I would have been one of the best). I had so much of the bug in school that I based my senior thesis on building an equine riding academy for underprivileged children. Perfect really- (I still pat myself on the back for that glorious idea)... I got to use my interior design knowledge and look at fun horse stuff, and research equine building codes... I was in LOVE with this- and can't wait to design and build my own stable one day... and better yet, what if... no, what if?! Someone actually hired me to build their barn? This one thought get's me so charged up and excited- yet, I immediately dismiss this because I don't have any construction knowledge, I would need to work for a what? A FIRM- that can guide me, and use my advise and knowledge of horses to HELP build the perfect barn... this is where my problem lies.. along with so many other stupid little detailed factors that I could easily bumble my way out of, if I had some balls.

Anyway, lets dismiss the horse job and move onto ideal job number two. My painting background. I would have loved to have done something with this... I was always painting tromp-loi scenes in my bedroom, and have even been hired to do some scenes- which was very gratifying, yet to do this I would have to market myself, and be a self starter, which when you'r competing against a printing company that can stick a poster size sticker on your wall - I'm afraid this is a fading art. So... I have fantasized this job to be the hobby while I run a horse farm... I would have a small art studio where I would paint everything and anything, and then I would have them framed and would drop them off at the local gallery, where they would sell for hundreds- or... maybe..no. (thousands?) yet- this is being too positive. Why would people want my kincade whimsical looking art? I mean I graduated art school with my professors telling me to never give up- and to focus on finding a technique- one that was my own, because at the moment, I can paint in any style, I can copy any artist, and I like them all- it's random, it's not cohesive, and non of it say's "Liz Aaron painted this"... so this is a department that needs to mature a little before setting off to the galleries... but don't worry, I will be working on this again one day soon. Again, this is a luxury hobby- something that needs lot's of money up front- and doesn't always give back in a nice way.

Moving on to potential job number 3 would be...teaching. I have taught swimming over the summer while life-guarding, and found this to be a rewarding experience, and also a very good paying job. I was able to get my own clients, and even worked at a swim school for a little while... but I flaked out and couldn't handle the cold water for so many hours. Silly I know, but when I get cold, there is nothing worse then feeling physically annoyed and trying to concentrate on a student that needs your full attention.

I'm jumping around a lot, so let's go to job number four which would be Bartending, this deserves a small story. I didn't apply myself very much in my early 20's- I had and still have very little self-esteem which I recognize and am working on now... so my only answer was to go back to school. while figuring out which major I would do, I needed to pass the time, so I went to a 6 week bartending school- which cost 800 bucks... yet again, I graduated with a certificate, learned a lot, and never got a job- because I didn't have any confidence to serve drinks to people...So, I found small gigs here and there doing catering, which was perfect...while I looked for my next gig...it would also serve as something to fall back on in case I ever became desperate for money... (like now) ...After I failed myself at bartending , I applied for grad-school -with my idea being this... , 3 years to figure out what I'm going to do with myself. Perfect, AND! I don't have to pay back my school loans! AND! I will get a really good job when I'm done, because I will have an amazing resume. Hence, Interior Design it was, and to top it off, I thought interior design was decorating, two very different things... you should have seen my face at my first materials and construction class...

Wow, how wrong I was... what a mistake! I went from having 15,000 in school loans to 85,000 in school loans with about 5,000 of that being interest- such a stupid girl I was/still am... what a stupid mistake... I could have just found a job as a bartender, painted, and rode horses and I would have been set for life. Who cares if I was a nobody doing side jobs for the rest of my life...

I would have saved myself a lot of money, and could have by now started to save up money- and then when I had a small cottage, and a few horses and a business of my own, THEN I should have gone back to school for something big and amazing. So much money for someone that has no confidence or drive to be something amazing.

This is such a pitiful story I tell- yet, through all of these wrong turns, I feel that I can talk to anyone about art, animals, athletics, music, teaching... which makes me not the most boring person in the world. At least I have interests... I have tried almost everything including the violin- which I played all the way up to freshman year of college... I have climbed all 46 mountains in the Adirondack region, I even tried modeling swimsuits... I pride myself on trying new things, everything is an adventure, and I suppose making a lot of money has never been a huge dream for me, however being happy, and doing something I love for a living is a dream. Especially now. I may have no confidence left, I have made every mistake in the book, but I believe in the saying, "only the strongest shall survive" and I believe I am one of those people. You could dump me off in the middle of a forest in the middle of the winter, and I would find my way out BY MYSELF... not many people can do this. Maybe my problem is that I try too hard to fit in with society, I try to do the right thing, I try to make money to live, when really I should do what I do best and keep making mistakes till I find the answer I'm looking for? After so many wrong turns there has to be a right- I know this happens in nature- it's bound to happen to me some day. I know from my mistakes that I need to work at least 50% harder, I need to think harder about my decisions for the future. I need to focus on one thing at a time. I need to make a choice even though it may not be permanent, it may lead to the next right turn. THEN once this one thing falls into place, I can ADD all the other ventures onto it...but only once it stabilizes.. This is why idiots sometimes are the smartest people you know- they were walking mistakes, holding a future answer that worked.

Strange yet wonderful.

Today I feel strange yet wonderful. I feel like typing, chatting, and just interacting with people today. This is an odd feeling for me to have- which is where the word strange comes from. I went to bed somewhat early last night, I woke up early, I ate breakfast, even had a cup of coffee, and set out for work.

I wrote two emails to my oldest friends... the holidays are coming, and I usually see them when they come home, it's basically the only thing I look forward to all year... to have friends again.

I miss having friends, I think that is what is great about being in the dorms your freshman year... you are forced to interact with so many people your own age... so many friends, or are they... not really, they arent really friends.

I have been through college a few times now, and you would think I would have hundreds of friends... I usually stay in touch with one or two people, but then they slowly drift away, go running into the arms of someone better, or funner, or more understanding, or less busy. Who knows, I haven't mastered this whole friends thing- I try to invite my old friends out- yet they never return the favor... why? Am I such a troll? Am I not fun? I always seem to have fun when I do go out with friends...

Oh how I miss school- to have that one friend that you see everyday, and stick to, they are always there to go get coffee, or tea, there to go to bar after class, there to let you know when class has been cancelled. How I miss those days.

I miss my friends... everything is different now.

The only friend I seem to have is my brother, my mother, my father, my boss, and my husband. How lame is that? These people shouldn't be my only interaction for the week... I need something else... a new perspective. Where do people that are married, busy with work, and not overly party oriented go to find a friend to hang out with during the day?

One thing that I really can't stand however, is listening to female friends talk to each other... for instance, my boss is the typical 40 year woman... think of Jessica Parker from Sex in the City- or rather think of Charlotte, that is more my boss....

women come to the store just to talk to her... and the crap they talk about is stupid. I have noticed that sometimes my boss can get really loud and excitable, and who ever she talks to will mimick her energy. What is the deal with that? Women are a bunch of sheep with wolves clothing on. I have yet to meet a woman that won't back stab me, or talk crap on me, or tell me to my face that I am stupid or dumb. Actually, that may be my friend Claire... she will not for any amount of money talk crap on a friend, nor anyone else for that matter. Hence, nobody talks crap on her...

I tried this theory... I try to stick up for people... but my god, women are bitchy- they can't wait to spill the beans about the war-wounds of another female. ... so mean.

This is why men are fabulous creatures. .. perfect little soldiers with a third arm to please you. I have always had male friends... more because of the things I stated above- men are simple happy creatures that bond without conversation...one man could look over at another man and like his outfit... and so therefor, that one male is excepted as looking cool- and is now apart of the clan.

This sorta works in the same way for women- however, women will think that you look cool- and then go over to her girlfriend and whisper a comment saying... "I bet she's a huge slut" this is all because the girl is dressed to impress... this is another reason why I have problems dressing "sexy" it's all the trend... I just can't stand having other girls judge me on what I'm wearing. this is why I try to go almost business casual.... with a sexy shoe or something. You can't judge someone that looks like they just got off work- with flawless hair, and fresh makeup....makes me feel and look like a winner. I need power not attention, is my motto.

So to end this whole friend thing up- I have been invited to a "Holiday new member cocktail party" for the Philadelphia Orchestra- I am going to be on the committee- I am really nervous about this however because I may be the youngest person on it. Also, I am one that becomes bored very fast- so to sit down and listen to lectures about an orchestra will bore me to tears... and! this is a place where I doubt I will make any friends... seeing as these people could all basically be a parent to me.

Oh well worth a shot, you never know who you will meet. These people must have something that will help me out.

Vern.

Last February I parked my car out on the road and in the morning it was totalled. Someone had gone around the corner and totally side swiped my car... The luck of it was that the person that hit my car confessed to it, and so the insurance was covered.

After $10,000 of damages and 2 months of not having a car, I got my car back... but it wasnt really my car anymore.

I am a car fanatic, I wanted a new car after graduating college... and the car that I chose was a 2005 mazda 3S... I named him Vern, and I love vern with all of my heart... when vern came back from the shop he thought that his doors were open when they were closed, the locks didnt work, and then a few months later vern didnt even start.

The battery was dead. I had a warranty on it so I took it back to the car people that fixed him. A week later they said they had fixed vern... it was an electrical problem.

Now, when vern comes to a stop light he comes close to stalling out... or stalls out. After he stalls he starts up again... which is strange because usually when vern stalled out due to someone not knowing how to drive a stick shift, you would have to wait 5 seconds to restart. It's sad to see my little car so sick... is it because of the new battery? I have read that sometimes machanics will forget to restart the computer system... and so vern has to relearn where his idle is... or could it be a clogged fuel injector?

Who knows... anyway, vern has been raped! My favorite part of taking my car to this mechanic is that they cleaned the inside, and the outside beautifully... fully detailed... as if vern would drive better because he is now squeaky clean... if only that was the case. I would have loved to have known how great vern would be if he hadnt been in like 3 accidents already... the first one happened when he was only a month old... that was my fault.. you know drunk driving... following a friend... talking on the cell phone, or rather texting... not looking... and then boom, plowed into the person in front, when he stopped at a stop light.

Then this...

The front end and side doors have been replaced twice now... nothing about original vern is the same...

Poor little vern- my baby is sick I tell you... sick! I'm a bad mommy.

Weird Picture of the day.

You never see cat costumes... and yet they look so much better in costume then a dog or rat. I have a place in my heart for animal costumes- I think they are funny.... even though it's some what of a humiliation to the animal... I mean what must they think when they are wearing these dumb outfits? This cat looks somewhat pissed off... it has to hurt his face having his whiskers pushed out like that.. I mean those are his feelers... screw... so worth it to see him or her in this outfit. Nothing better then looking at a cat in a penguin outfit on a rainy gloomy day...

Yo-Yo Syndrome.

My old self: would smoke a pack a day (all day) + a large bottle of white wine (after 6pm) + 10 mg of Adderall (3 times a month) + a 16 ounce cup of coffee (10 am) + a bagel for breakfast (10 am)+ a sandwich for lunch (2 pm) + something hot for dinner (8 pm) = a miserable person. (all the time)

New self: 6 ounce coffee + blueberry muffin (10am) + 8 ounce water (12 pm) + cinnamon gum + fat free raspberry yogurt (2pm) + chicken, rice and veggie dinner (8 pm)+ 16 ounce water (8pm)+ a small amount of excercise = guilt free person with a lot more energy.

I woke up one morning and was sick of feeling so horrible- here I am a 28 year old woman that feels as though she has cancer all over her body. Whenever I felt like crap in the past it had something to do with my health, or habits.

As you can see.... it was both in this case.

I have my ups and downs... it seems around Fall time I always pick myself up again and begin a detox program for myself. This time though- I mean it. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for myself.

These are the things that I want right now: my goals.... not so hard to achieve.

I want more energy- not from taking a pill, or a vitamin, or from drinking something... I want to wake up with energy, and have it all day long.

I want to walk and feel energy coming from every step, I want to feel my body respond to exercise as a "yes! give me more!" like it used to.

I want to take a deep breath of fresh air and feel happy to be alive!

I want to go out with friends and be the nice girl at the end of the day that doesn't end up embarrassing herself.

I want my skin to glow, my eyes to shine, my hair to smell clean and look clean, my teeth to look sparkly and white, and my abs, arms, legs and butt to be rock hard.

I want to join a social network where I can run in marathons or better yet triatholons, read two books a week, or meet up at a dog park to discuss what's going on in the world, or girlie issues.

I want to have a job where my boss respects me, comes to me for ideas, challenges me for answers, and appreciates all the hard work I do. I want to go home feeling good about what I do for a living.

I would like to have a family when money is abundant- a nice little cottage away from the noisy dirty city.

I want my marriage to work out, and become more stable. I would like to become a better and more loving wife.

I want to learn how to cook really healthy cheap meals.

So many things- The most important step to all of this is that ... this is first time in a long time I have thought of positive things I would actually like to do.

Yesterday, I walked into a book store looking for something to read, and I just felt so empty and numb inside- I knew I would be going home to an empty smelly, cold apartment... there would be no food to eat, and my favorite TV show wouldn't be on for another two hours... all of the books I picked up were about divorce, cheating husbands or wives, good girls going nuts and becoming prostitutes, depressed or senile people living life... I mean nothing captured my interest because it was like... why do I want to read about some-one elses shitty life? I want to read something that I don't know something about- something to escape to- not recognize or relate to....

I left with nothing, and then visualized exactly how I felt... if I were to take my mood at that exact moment, what would it look like as a cartoon? So I went home, fed the cat, put the TV on, and began to draw my cartoon... a faceless person stuck in a cage trapped on a dessert island, with tourists dancing on top of the cage, and liquor and cigarettes just on the outside of the cage of the trapped person... some times I feel like the dancers, sometimes I feel like the burden stuck in the cage. I'm in a yo-yo phase... I never know if I will be feeling up or down- I would like to feel up all the time...

Maybe tomorrow will be even a better day.