Yo-Yo Syndrome.

My old self: would smoke a pack a day (all day) + a large bottle of white wine (after 6pm) + 10 mg of Adderall (3 times a month) + a 16 ounce cup of coffee (10 am) + a bagel for breakfast (10 am)+ a sandwich for lunch (2 pm) + something hot for dinner (8 pm) = a miserable person. (all the time)

New self: 6 ounce coffee + blueberry muffin (10am) + 8 ounce water (12 pm) + cinnamon gum + fat free raspberry yogurt (2pm) + chicken, rice and veggie dinner (8 pm)+ 16 ounce water (8pm)+ a small amount of excercise = guilt free person with a lot more energy.

I woke up one morning and was sick of feeling so horrible- here I am a 28 year old woman that feels as though she has cancer all over her body. Whenever I felt like crap in the past it had something to do with my health, or habits.

As you can see.... it was both in this case.

I have my ups and downs... it seems around Fall time I always pick myself up again and begin a detox program for myself. This time though- I mean it. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for myself.

These are the things that I want right now: my goals.... not so hard to achieve.

I want more energy- not from taking a pill, or a vitamin, or from drinking something... I want to wake up with energy, and have it all day long.

I want to walk and feel energy coming from every step, I want to feel my body respond to exercise as a "yes! give me more!" like it used to.

I want to take a deep breath of fresh air and feel happy to be alive!

I want to go out with friends and be the nice girl at the end of the day that doesn't end up embarrassing herself.

I want my skin to glow, my eyes to shine, my hair to smell clean and look clean, my teeth to look sparkly and white, and my abs, arms, legs and butt to be rock hard.

I want to join a social network where I can run in marathons or better yet triatholons, read two books a week, or meet up at a dog park to discuss what's going on in the world, or girlie issues.

I want to have a job where my boss respects me, comes to me for ideas, challenges me for answers, and appreciates all the hard work I do. I want to go home feeling good about what I do for a living.

I would like to have a family when money is abundant- a nice little cottage away from the noisy dirty city.

I want my marriage to work out, and become more stable. I would like to become a better and more loving wife.

I want to learn how to cook really healthy cheap meals.

So many things- The most important step to all of this is that ... this is first time in a long time I have thought of positive things I would actually like to do.

Yesterday, I walked into a book store looking for something to read, and I just felt so empty and numb inside- I knew I would be going home to an empty smelly, cold apartment... there would be no food to eat, and my favorite TV show wouldn't be on for another two hours... all of the books I picked up were about divorce, cheating husbands or wives, good girls going nuts and becoming prostitutes, depressed or senile people living life... I mean nothing captured my interest because it was like... why do I want to read about some-one elses shitty life? I want to read something that I don't know something about- something to escape to- not recognize or relate to....

I left with nothing, and then visualized exactly how I felt... if I were to take my mood at that exact moment, what would it look like as a cartoon? So I went home, fed the cat, put the TV on, and began to draw my cartoon... a faceless person stuck in a cage trapped on a dessert island, with tourists dancing on top of the cage, and liquor and cigarettes just on the outside of the cage of the trapped person... some times I feel like the dancers, sometimes I feel like the burden stuck in the cage. I'm in a yo-yo phase... I never know if I will be feeling up or down- I would like to feel up all the time...

Maybe tomorrow will be even a better day.