February 2010

One day about a month ago I woke up and decided that I never wanted to buy cigarettes again. This happened on January 25, 2010. It was quite easy to quit, I didnt really have cravings, and if I did I would just use my E-cigarette to get rid of anger or frustration.

I then decided that I was going to start excercising and getting healthy again since I was feeling like crap all the time. I thought maybe it's because I look terrible and feel terrible. I was having major issues with drinking... I was blacking out and throwing child like tantrums after the black out took affect. I have never forgotten events while drinking, so I figured this might have been caused by the nicotine withdraw... and I felt as though it was best to just quit drinking too while I was in agony. Then on top of that I quit drinking coffee- well actually that's not entirely true. I drink a cup every other morning to help me go number two...

Anyway to make a long story short. It turns out I'm pregnant. I have no idea how far along I am, but it's pretty exciting. It explains why I have been so bloated, and feeling like crap. I think I'm 6 or 7 weeks along. My last period was on December 28th 2009. I took a test on February 9th but it turned out negative... I was 45 days late. Then I took another test two weeks later on Feb 22nd and both tests said positive. It's all very strange. Why would the first test say negative if I was a week late? I figured it might have been due to drinking a ton the night before... (sorry baby). So according to a pregnancy calculator I would be 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

At the moment I weigh 117 lbs and my boobs hurt more and more every day. I have a doctors appointment on Monday at 1:00 to confirm the pregnancy.. and then I guess I need to find a real ObGyn. I guess the only concern I have at this time is that for the last week I have been having cramps, very small cramps but they feel as though I will be gettin gmy period anytime... which would be bad. Apparently this is normal... but I'm not sure if it is at this time. It's all pretty exciting, even though we don't have any money and I can barely take care of my school loans as it is... but, I'm sure we will figure out a way to handle all of that. I mean I only have 119,974.85 more to pay in loans. I owe citibank 29,796.78 dollars, Sallie mae is 61,036.78 and AES is is 29, 141. 29.

I'm wondering if Citibank and AEs are the same? Whatever... the payments are huge. my paycheck just barely covers the loans every month... so once the kid is born we will either have to move in with my mom or the hubster will have to take over the rent and pay for allthe baby supplies while I use all of my income to pay off just my loan. That is my ultimate dream. I'm losing so much of my money by paying half the rent. Ugh. I guess I'm better off then most of my friends, I just found out the other day that my one friend doesnt pay any of her bills, she collects collection notices as if they are trophies... incredible that is to me... Iwouldnt be able to sleep at night over that. I mean I want really great credit, because I want to be able to buy my dream car and house one day. Imagine seeing your dream and not able to get it because you didnt pay some stupid bills when you were a kid?

I dont know. I think everything will be fine. I already have three kids named Citi, SAllie, and AES what's the difference if I just add another one to the litter.

February 2010So

Finally I am starting to feel a little bit like myself again. Why is it that you need to hit rock bottom before you start to climb out? It took only one week to make me feel slightly better. On January 26 luke and I decided that we were not going to buy a pack a cigarettes. It worked, pretty much we have gone a whole week quitting cold turkey with the help of an e-cigg which helps get over the cravings. It has been a week and I feel a little better, I have more energy, I find that I'm getting more chores done and not sitting on the sofa as much. To add to this I have decided that I will stop drinking alcohol. I mean it's fine in a social setting but I was pretty much pounding a bottle of wine by myself. Not cool.

I decided I was going to go to New York City to visit my friend Claire, and then go meet up with my boss the following day to do some buying for the store. I had the best time of my life. My anxiety was half of what it once was taking the train and the subways. I had a ton more confidence, which means maybe I will be ready to drive into New York City soon, or perhaps I could live near it and commute and get a job there. Claire took me to a silk acrobatics class. Iw as the only one there so I got a private lesson. I really enjoyed doing something different, and it was a good stretch and didnt kill my body. I liked having girl time with real friends. Tomorrow is my day off and I made plans to go skiing with an old friend- however, I feel bad because the hubby has most of the day off and he really wants to go skiing with me. I'm thinking that I would just go on Wednesday and get some fast good skiing in and then maybe on Saturday I will go with the hubs. He is actually more fun to go skiing with, but he tries to do these tricks and falls a lot, and it just wastes time, I spend most of the time waiting for him to trek half way up the mountain to get his ski. Which is fine if it's sunny and nice out, but not so much fun if its windy and freezing cold the minute you stop.

I actually dont really feel like going skiing, but just like going to NEw York I had a blast once Im on my way. It is also a good bonding thing, and it gets me out and about.

Another thing I want to try out and get into is this hot yoga. I'm not very good at getting into new things, but I have heard that this type of yoga is really invigorating. I need to find someone to go with me for the first class. It's super cheap too! I was thinking of having my friend Lala go with me, however she goes to another yoga studio, and when I looked it up I thought it was a giant rip off and it sucked. The best person to go with me would be my hubs but he is hesitant to try it- and I have just given up on trying to get him to go with me, it's always an excuse with him. I really dont need that in my life at the moment. I want someone that drags me to these types of classes like what claire did with me. I wish Claire lived here, she would totally go with me to a class like that. She is always open minded and will try just about anything and isnt shy in the slightest. That is the sort of person I strive to be- however when your around a bunch of people that say they will do it later, or will go with you one time, or say they will "think about it" it's a huge turn off to the person.

I feel that once I get back into my healthy routine, find a class that I like, and get back to pampering myself I will start finding success all around me. I need to be more selfish, and stop waiting for people to help me with things, or to hold my hand. I need to just Do it. I need a yoga mat.... I definitely do not want to rent a mat from this place.

Tonight the hubs doesnt get home till 8 ish which will give me time to try out my new billy blass tae bo videos. I'm going to go food shopping first, and then eat, wait about a half hour then do the work out video, and then do some yoga... sounds like fun.

I felt a lot better mentally when I was single because I was always doing something, I never sat on a sofa, I never sat and watched a movie, I barely slept, I always out and doing something- where did that energy go? I turned into a sofa turd over night. Enough of that shit, I dont give a shit about anything but me for now on. If the hubs wants to follow me to victory then he can... if he wants to get dragged throught he mudd then let him, if he wants to get left in the dust then so be it. I'm not waiting around any longer, I'm going to grow some fucking wings and fly out of this shit hole. I am DONE with feeling like a P.O.S all the time. It's time for me to stop blaming people, and blame myself for not doing this sooner.

This will be my february... I'm, going to have a new job by March, I'm going to be 5 pounds heavier with muscle, my back and neck will no longer hurt, I will have found a new friend to hang out with once a week, and I will go traveling to another city once every 3 months to visit someone new. I will also have a better attitude and wont have time for negative people in my life, I will take hikes and go running for fun, I wont get discouraged when no-one comes with me, I will just go myself and have a better time for it.

Yup.