My life without kids

Today is one of those days where I desperately want to go on vacation from my children. I sit in a daze as my children scamper all over my body pulling my hair, ripping my glasses off, shouting over the news that I am desperately trying to watch, and jabbing a knee or elbow in my soft parts.... and a terrible feeling of numb engulfs me where my body and mind turns off and runs to a different place.

That place.... I often wonder what it would be like.

A business woman perhaps an art director, or Interior Designer....  wearing a pencil skirt, stilettos, and Italian shirt tucked in with gold expensive jewelery dangling from every part of my body.... I would grab a coffee from starbucks and jump into my brand new sports car that still smelled of fresh leather and would be gleaming with imported wood. I would have music blaring as I raced across town to my very important job where people looked to me for all of the answers. I would work late most nights, but on those nights that I make it home I would make time to ride my horses.

On my days off, I would stay in bed snuggled under my very expensive clean white crisp smelling sheets, and read a book with my cat and my freshly brewed coffee just inches from my hand. I would take a shower for over ten minutes and walk around in silk pajamas before once again starting my day of painting, and riding my horses. Some weekends I would have to wake up early to primp and pamper my horses to haul them off to a horse show, where I would enter the show ring and walk out loaded with awards and ribbons.

To celebrate, my husband and I would pick a fine restaurant in the city to drink and dance the night away together... the conversation would not involve how many poops our children had or what color or smells they consisted of, but instead it would be devoted to talking about our accomplishments, things that were happening around the world, and of course where our next big vacation would be... perhaps Australia, or Bali, or even Bermuda for a romantic get-a-way.

Long hours would be rewarded with high pay, and with that money we could travel in luxury, anywhere our hearts decided to go. Paris would be a hot spot to do some shopping, and Africa would be a place to see our favorite animals on a safari.

Next on the list would be friends... lots of them... I would host dinner parties where couples would flock to have the best cheese and the finest wine. So tired from laughing they would leave with large smiles on their faces and great stories.

And scene!.... lets snap back to reality for a second.

Currently... my one year old is tormented by his teeth, and along with his screams of pain his older brother, a complete monster comes over and football tackles him to the floor, where his already sensitive head hits the floor, with the silent screams to follow, I am the only person that he can go to for comfort.

Then while my two year old sits in time out for being a terrible brother he dismisses the fact that he no longer wears diapers and craps on his time out chair... to clean this up, I must put down my sensitive one year old who erupts into violent screams as I try to clean up fresh poo... using my leg to hold back the one year old and scream at the two year to stay clear of the one year old... this is not what I signed up for.

Having children was a terrible move on my part. I wasn't cut out for loving this career, yet there is nothing I can do about it now. My hopes and dreams have flushed down the toilet with the poo of my two year old, and now it is only a matter of waiting for them to grow up so I can start my life over the way I want it.

Yet, if I hadn't had these children I doubt my dreams would be so intense.... I took life for granted, and my personal time was nothing more then a luxury that I didn't appreciate.

Now with the drive, and forced intuition for hard work, I feel as though I'm ready to conquer the world, and looking forward to enjoying my life as an adult.

I wonder sometimes if this was the only way for me to push myself to what I was meant to be. Maybe the children were a blessing, even though most times it feels like a terrible burden.

At the end of the day, I have a job.... raising these boys to be men that treat humans and this planet with respect. If I can accomplish that then my life will mean something greater then having a successful life as a corporate business woman. I gave a giant chunk of my life to create two men that will hopefully work as hard for something they love as their parents did.

Maybe then I can feel successful. Yet right now... I feel like a failure wasting my life, and growing old and ugly... my youth is slipping away, and at the end of the day I'm  just a mom stuck in a house in New Jersey surrounded by bad smells, loud noises and the constant feeling of numbness.