People look at my life and think, "Wow, you are so lucky!, what a dream you live"
Well this "dream" has turned me into a person I don't really like anymore.
Death: With any farm, there will be death. The fox got our chickens on Christmas Eve two years ago. Hearing the screams and running outside on a misty 3 am morning to discover your friends have been playfully murdered just hours before putting on a happy face for your kids and family... was just a start.
Horse death is even more emotional. As I hooked up the trailer one morning to transport a horse back to his mom he ran full blast into the fence. His hooves sliding through the grass he couldn't stop in time and fractured his breast bone. That morning was spent with a vet that could only help by putting this horse down. Just another reality blow of how fragile these large horses are.
Even seemingly fine horses. The biggest blow was having to put down one of my competition horses for a broken spine and neurological issues. This horse.... would forever change my spirit, and make me into a broken person. I have never gotten over that one....but it was the only humane thing to do. A baby horse to be forever in pain, was not the life he needed. Playing God, is just one struggle of this business. What is morally right? In this business, you have the people that are in it for money, and then you have the saints who want to save every horse... no matter what kind of pain they are in. I don't know who I am anymore when it comes to this.
Then you have other farm animals that are family members, full of life, are like one of your kids.
As we celebrated my daughters birthday our dog chased our cat across the road, only to be run over by a car. The cat was still alive. Her jaw broken, her spine broken. I held her as the amount of pain seeped out of her blood filled mouth. I handed her to my husband and said...."End this pain now!"
After years of seeing animals suffer.... I was now God and could easily end a life that was too painful for an animal to cope with.
Then you have accidents. Horrible accidents.... our beloved dog jumped into our car thinking he was going for a car ride when one of the children went to get a toy. It was a hot day... too hot. And it took me too long to find my best friend- never guessing he was in the car. That moment I found him.... broke me again. It was the straw that snapped the camels back. I haven't been right since. The depression has never gone away. The feeling on the farm has never been the same, and the coldness in my heart will never go away.
Yet, with all of these horrible things.... I still have to wake up, and walk to the barn and feed and care for the horses. I'm not allowed to stay in bed. I'm not allowed to give up. I have to continue on even when I feel like calling this hell "Death Farm".
Meanwhile, the farm life has a way of forgiving you, and your mistakes.
The dead animals are replaced by ones that get your mind away from the tragedy. The manual labor forces you to move on, and push through the thoughts of despair and sadness.
The small things of a horse knicker, a head bump, or just the sounds of a barn full of healthy horses eating their grain and hay. The relaxed look on their faces as you brush the dirt from their coat and see a shine to their fur. The smiles on boarders faces when they come to enjoy their horse.
I sometimes watch the boarders and lesson kids and get a faint memory of how I used to be before I lost my passion for riding. I still groom and love the horses, but I will never be that happy person that rolls up to a barn to ride with friends. I learned to stay away from the barn when happy people come. I think they can sense my sadness.... and their eyes change as my bad energy walks into the barn. My disdain for their happiness. My mind torn to a world I used to enjoy. That life is over for me now.
They often give an innocent smile and say "come ride with us?"
My thoughts turn evil, and I politely say "Maybe another day".
If only they knew that riding for me is torture. My once perfect seat has wasted away, which would take months to gain back from everyday constant riding. Energy that I don't have. My hands shake from a reason I can't even put into words. My body tries to do what it used to do, but all I feel is tension and pain coming from my lower back and shoulders. Its just not FUN!
Then the anxiety, to run a business like this, you really need to be people oriented. I am not a people person, which came a little too late to realize after opening the doors. Some people are great, and some people are out to destroy you. I never had enemies. I never disliked anyone. Slowly, the more I get entangled into this horse world, the more people prove to be vile, horrible people. This is an emotionally run sport. You have the know-it alls, the fake trainers, the empaths, the owners, the kids, the moms, the families. It's all a huge melting pot of personalities. In order to survive you need to be neutral to everyone and stay professional. I have made a ton of mistakes along the way.
Trusting an old friend that you were trying to help have a horse while being on welfare...only to find out they slander your name and business...that was a fun lesson. Friends that aren't friends at all, in fact, they are just after your money, and your generosity. Once you take that away, they are off to ruin another reputation. I try my best to deal with all sorts of people, but I have learned to stop giving things away for free, for if you do, they take take take.... and then get angry when you have nothing more to give. This is a business, and becoming "friends" with an employee or any horse person that you work with is just a serious mistake. Keep it professional and keep your mouth shut. Sadly, I am not good at this no matter how much my husband tells me to "just stop talking to them!". It's gotten so bad, of people trying to cross into my personal life that I now turn my phone off after 5pm to any text message from horse people. They are listed under "work" and are not my "friends". I have lost trust in people, and have a voice in the back of my head of "when will they turn on you?"
This business has destroyed my enthusiasm. My love for riding. Some people have it, and some people don't.
I am one of those people that just doesn't have what it takes to do it all. Ride, Teach and Run and work this farm.
So, I hired a barn manager to deal with the people while I sit inside of my house feeling depressed and angry. I try to spend more time with my family. However, the peace of my home is unsettled seeing as there is almost always someone at the barn. Say goodbye to privacy or family time, vacations, or solitude. This farm has stolen that too.
What I would give to live in a small simple house, and dash out the door again at 6 pm to ride my one horse while I watch other barn owners deal with the stress and anxiety of running this hell hole of a business.
Some days are better then others...
I'm really lucky.
I have the perfect life.
 |
| The old me. |
No comments:
Post a Comment