Ugly shit

Today is Ugly Old lady day here at the store. One woman just came in wearing these hideous glasses from the 80's. I wanted to pull them off her face and step on them. This is what Im talking about. What a terrible look! I remember when my mom used to wear old bag glasses and it just made her face look fat and flabby. Also, what is the deal with old women and their hair? Why does it never look shiny and healthy? It's always dried out and looks like pubescent hair. Its like straw and frizzes... and then its always hacked off and short. What is the deal with old women looking doughey. They have no muscle they have big round butts and a stomach pooch and bad teeth. I mean is this what happens after having children? I hope to god that I dont look like these train wrecks when I get old.What ever happened to old women having long grey hair in a nice braid down their back? I love the look of a sweet grey haired old lady that looks almost fragile with clear blue eyes that are almost glass like. I'm such a bitch I know- but I hate the women that are walking into this store today- they have no taste they are stupid and mindless and they are all getting on my last nerve. It's rare that I would find a woman that comes into this store that I do like right off the bat. I'm actually ashamed to be a woman- a once proud strong race... we are now these sped up drugged up mindless idiots driving gigantic SUV's at 80 miles an hour in a school zones and raising horrid selfish little booger eaters that turn out to be assholes when they get older because mommy and daddy got divorced at that critical age. Isnt life grand?

Horse Dreams

The weather is starting to shape up and the sun has an addictive warmth to it that wont let you stay indoors. Meanwhile I'm about 7 weeks pregnant and feel as though I have constant sea-sickness and bloat. I just want to have a horse right now. Almost every night for the past month I have been dreaming of Ashford Farm and riding beautiful horses over 6' fences and galloping up hills over fences and over rivers. I wake up with nothing but cramps, nausea, and hunger pains. I thought pregnancy would be a lot of fun but now that the weather is gorgeous all I want to do is trade the cost of a baby for a horse. Isnt that just awful? When I was at Tyler I was living the life. I painted all day and went riding in the afternoons in between classes. I bartended and took care of the horses at night, it was the perfect deal. I feel like crying... I'm so out of shape I'm longing to just get outside and bask in the sun.

Most of my friends ride horses... and it pisses me off to see that they are all riding their horses and hanging out at the barn. Mean while I'm at this dead end job feeling like shit and worrying about how this might be the biggest mistake of my life. Once this kid comes I wont be able to go riding for years. I'm mad that all of the money that I could be spending on my horse will be eaten up in diapers and food and clothes for this kid instead. Is it terrible that I would prefer a horse over a kid?

I do complain a lot.... I just hope that if I have a miscarriage it happens early enough that I can get to riding this summer... The only benefit right now of being pregnant is that I'm not showing yet, but my boobs have gone up a whole size... and I'm loving them. I think that if I lose this kid I will also get breast implants and a historectomy. What a perfect life... big boobs, no periods, and a farm/horse. That really is my dream.

I'm so disapointed with everything lately. I want to travel, and live someplace warm. Now I'm stuck in Pennsylvania for the next couple years... It makes me want to rip my hair out how this situation has changed everything I desire. I wish I wasnt so fucking old- this is what I get, I should have done all of this stuff years ago when I was 23 or 24. I should have gone to school in Italy, and traveled, I should have gotten a good job in another state and stayed there for a few years... I should have saved up my money to buy a horse someplace warm like Florida.... instead I sat here in stupid Philadelphia rotting my life away at a piece of shit school earning a piece of shit certificate that doesnt mean shit. I would totally go back in time and never go to Moore, I would work abroad with horses- who knows I could be in New Zealand right now galloping on the beach or something.

At least I'm married to a nice man that treats me well... I could have ended up getting knocked up by some bad ass boyfriend that treated me like shit, or even worse, I could have been raped while walking home one night and beaten to a pulp... at least that didnt happen. I guess I should feel lucky that I am surrounded by good friends and family... my life could suck so much more.... this weather is driving my crazy.

February 2010

One day about a month ago I woke up and decided that I never wanted to buy cigarettes again. This happened on January 25, 2010. It was quite easy to quit, I didnt really have cravings, and if I did I would just use my E-cigarette to get rid of anger or frustration.

I then decided that I was going to start excercising and getting healthy again since I was feeling like crap all the time. I thought maybe it's because I look terrible and feel terrible. I was having major issues with drinking... I was blacking out and throwing child like tantrums after the black out took affect. I have never forgotten events while drinking, so I figured this might have been caused by the nicotine withdraw... and I felt as though it was best to just quit drinking too while I was in agony. Then on top of that I quit drinking coffee- well actually that's not entirely true. I drink a cup every other morning to help me go number two...

Anyway to make a long story short. It turns out I'm pregnant. I have no idea how far along I am, but it's pretty exciting. It explains why I have been so bloated, and feeling like crap. I think I'm 6 or 7 weeks along. My last period was on December 28th 2009. I took a test on February 9th but it turned out negative... I was 45 days late. Then I took another test two weeks later on Feb 22nd and both tests said positive. It's all very strange. Why would the first test say negative if I was a week late? I figured it might have been due to drinking a ton the night before... (sorry baby). So according to a pregnancy calculator I would be 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

At the moment I weigh 117 lbs and my boobs hurt more and more every day. I have a doctors appointment on Monday at 1:00 to confirm the pregnancy.. and then I guess I need to find a real ObGyn. I guess the only concern I have at this time is that for the last week I have been having cramps, very small cramps but they feel as though I will be gettin gmy period anytime... which would be bad. Apparently this is normal... but I'm not sure if it is at this time. It's all pretty exciting, even though we don't have any money and I can barely take care of my school loans as it is... but, I'm sure we will figure out a way to handle all of that. I mean I only have 119,974.85 more to pay in loans. I owe citibank 29,796.78 dollars, Sallie mae is 61,036.78 and AES is is 29, 141. 29.

I'm wondering if Citibank and AEs are the same? Whatever... the payments are huge. my paycheck just barely covers the loans every month... so once the kid is born we will either have to move in with my mom or the hubster will have to take over the rent and pay for allthe baby supplies while I use all of my income to pay off just my loan. That is my ultimate dream. I'm losing so much of my money by paying half the rent. Ugh. I guess I'm better off then most of my friends, I just found out the other day that my one friend doesnt pay any of her bills, she collects collection notices as if they are trophies... incredible that is to me... Iwouldnt be able to sleep at night over that. I mean I want really great credit, because I want to be able to buy my dream car and house one day. Imagine seeing your dream and not able to get it because you didnt pay some stupid bills when you were a kid?

I dont know. I think everything will be fine. I already have three kids named Citi, SAllie, and AES what's the difference if I just add another one to the litter.

February 2010So

Finally I am starting to feel a little bit like myself again. Why is it that you need to hit rock bottom before you start to climb out? It took only one week to make me feel slightly better. On January 26 luke and I decided that we were not going to buy a pack a cigarettes. It worked, pretty much we have gone a whole week quitting cold turkey with the help of an e-cigg which helps get over the cravings. It has been a week and I feel a little better, I have more energy, I find that I'm getting more chores done and not sitting on the sofa as much. To add to this I have decided that I will stop drinking alcohol. I mean it's fine in a social setting but I was pretty much pounding a bottle of wine by myself. Not cool.

I decided I was going to go to New York City to visit my friend Claire, and then go meet up with my boss the following day to do some buying for the store. I had the best time of my life. My anxiety was half of what it once was taking the train and the subways. I had a ton more confidence, which means maybe I will be ready to drive into New York City soon, or perhaps I could live near it and commute and get a job there. Claire took me to a silk acrobatics class. Iw as the only one there so I got a private lesson. I really enjoyed doing something different, and it was a good stretch and didnt kill my body. I liked having girl time with real friends. Tomorrow is my day off and I made plans to go skiing with an old friend- however, I feel bad because the hubby has most of the day off and he really wants to go skiing with me. I'm thinking that I would just go on Wednesday and get some fast good skiing in and then maybe on Saturday I will go with the hubs. He is actually more fun to go skiing with, but he tries to do these tricks and falls a lot, and it just wastes time, I spend most of the time waiting for him to trek half way up the mountain to get his ski. Which is fine if it's sunny and nice out, but not so much fun if its windy and freezing cold the minute you stop.

I actually dont really feel like going skiing, but just like going to NEw York I had a blast once Im on my way. It is also a good bonding thing, and it gets me out and about.

Another thing I want to try out and get into is this hot yoga. I'm not very good at getting into new things, but I have heard that this type of yoga is really invigorating. I need to find someone to go with me for the first class. It's super cheap too! I was thinking of having my friend Lala go with me, however she goes to another yoga studio, and when I looked it up I thought it was a giant rip off and it sucked. The best person to go with me would be my hubs but he is hesitant to try it- and I have just given up on trying to get him to go with me, it's always an excuse with him. I really dont need that in my life at the moment. I want someone that drags me to these types of classes like what claire did with me. I wish Claire lived here, she would totally go with me to a class like that. She is always open minded and will try just about anything and isnt shy in the slightest. That is the sort of person I strive to be- however when your around a bunch of people that say they will do it later, or will go with you one time, or say they will "think about it" it's a huge turn off to the person.

I feel that once I get back into my healthy routine, find a class that I like, and get back to pampering myself I will start finding success all around me. I need to be more selfish, and stop waiting for people to help me with things, or to hold my hand. I need to just Do it. I need a yoga mat.... I definitely do not want to rent a mat from this place.

Tonight the hubs doesnt get home till 8 ish which will give me time to try out my new billy blass tae bo videos. I'm going to go food shopping first, and then eat, wait about a half hour then do the work out video, and then do some yoga... sounds like fun.

I felt a lot better mentally when I was single because I was always doing something, I never sat on a sofa, I never sat and watched a movie, I barely slept, I always out and doing something- where did that energy go? I turned into a sofa turd over night. Enough of that shit, I dont give a shit about anything but me for now on. If the hubs wants to follow me to victory then he can... if he wants to get dragged throught he mudd then let him, if he wants to get left in the dust then so be it. I'm not waiting around any longer, I'm going to grow some fucking wings and fly out of this shit hole. I am DONE with feeling like a P.O.S all the time. It's time for me to stop blaming people, and blame myself for not doing this sooner.

This will be my february... I'm, going to have a new job by March, I'm going to be 5 pounds heavier with muscle, my back and neck will no longer hurt, I will have found a new friend to hang out with once a week, and I will go traveling to another city once every 3 months to visit someone new. I will also have a better attitude and wont have time for negative people in my life, I will take hikes and go running for fun, I wont get discouraged when no-one comes with me, I will just go myself and have a better time for it.

Yup.

The World is quite large

Last night I was invited to watch some little documentary show with my husband on the computer. It's basically these young kids going around the world and documenting things like drugs in other countries, wars, pollution, government stuff... etc. etc... all to bring awareness...

I'm at that age where everything sucks, I feel that I know everything, and I don't really care about that of which I dont know... It's really hard to explain how I feel, but I seem to have just stumbled onto a library for the first time, I feel as though I can see for the first time, I feel as though my mind has opened a crack... just a small crack and now my interest level has been blown out of the water, just by watching a few hours of documentaries.

I have been doing research all day on "the worst places to live in the world".... and to no surprise I have never heard of most of these places...

This also stems off of the Haiti Earthquake. The only reason I was aware of Haiti before the earthquake was because my childhood friend Claire lived there for a few months trying to find a way to get clean water in... which of course never happened. Now with this earthquake the world knows about how shitty the conditions are in Haiti..and are pouring money into it, as if it were a church....the best part about this "global aide" is that they have never dealt with this much handout before, and arent handling the finances well...nothing like giving millions of dollars to a corrupt government, that was destroyed in the quake.... but at least they arent at war... AND... they arent living in a radiation dump zone. Apparently, there are many worse places to live...

What is wrong with the world? I think the answer is "the human" humans are greedy little mongral waste dumpers that shit on anything that is good in life... they try to trump nature by taking something that is un- natural and making it into something more powerful or useful then what nature can give... then wonder why it kills off nature in the end...

Im a forgiving person... but what goes around comes around. If you make a nuclear plant and it explodes, your fucked. You have now endangered millions of people and have ruined the environment, and a giant plot of land that could be used for living, but is now isolated because of this.

Why build this then? Can we survive without it? Well I think the answer is "yes" to almost anything that has created harm in the world, because obviously we got this far before it existed.

Why are humans so crazy on evolving technology? We never needed computers, or cell phones in the past.. and in fact I think we were better off without them. Back when TV, phones, radio, computers, and so on existed our children would play outside, parents worked as a team, and people weren't lazy fat rude and ignorant assholes.

Then you have countries that dont have any of these things.. poor countries... and why are they poor? Because some asshole was trusted to run the people and shit on them. Greed is also a huge problem in the world. I think 9 out of 10 people in the world should be classified as incredibly BAD people.

There is so much going through my head.... I'm not surprised that the biggest movie doing well in the box office is avatar... even then I'm sure people will keep on destroying nature, destroy whole towns, communities, and countries with pollution, radiation, and corrupt government systems...

The worst part is that on some of these lists of "the best places to live" the top three are Canada and the United States... and I have seen both, and wasnt very impressed.

It's like climbing to the top of the mountain and all you get is fog, no view, no sense of accomplishment, but you know your at the top. Where is the satisfaction in that?

Then I can only help but think as I watch these documentaries of kids playing in garbage, kids smoking heroin, women making a living being whores, beggers cutting themselves on purpose for sympathy, etc.... WHY would they rather live? I know if you placed me in any of those situations I would kill myself, how does one person keep living a life of hell? It blows my mind... I know that if you beat a dog badly enough it will eventually run away... if a dog can do it, why is the human factor to just put up with it? I realize they dont have the income or the brains to move, so then... I think I would rather be dead.

Most people are dumb. Way too many humans are evil creatures...

and I still believe that the innocent beauty of nature, the love and respect of another human, and love for animals are all that are worth living for. If I didnt have these three things, I would be in hell...( or some of these places) ....

Pollution: Urumqi, China

Once a Silk Road hub, the western Chinese city of Urumqi has the bad luck to be downstream of sulphurous soil dust from nearby agricultural areas, as well as deadly industrial pollutants. China's environmental scientists say it now outranks Linfen, previously named as the world's most polluted city.

Corruption: Somalia

Declared a failed state, Somalia is so violent that millions have fled their homes. But it is also at the bottom of an annual global corruption index by Transparency International, which points out that in desperately poor countries, bribery and extortion can be life and death issues if people are forced to pay extra for basic necessities.

Dictatorship: North Korea

Kim Jong-il, North Korea's ailing ruler, was named the world's worst dictator of 2008 on Parademagazine's annual list.

It says he runs the most isolated, repressive regime in the world, where three generations of a family can be punished for one member's alleged crime. About 200,000 citizens have been jailed, many tortured.

Personal security: Iraq

In spite of the much-praised "surge" of American troops, and a diminished death rate in the past year, Iraq ranks lowest on the Global Peace Index's scale as a country with easy access to weapons, a high murder rate, poorly functioning government, low respect for human rights and political instability.

Homicide rate: El Salvador

Latin America has the highest murder rate in the world for young adults, 15-24. But El Salvador tops the list of the world's most dangerous countries for the young – and has one of the highest murder rates for people of all ages, according to the Latin American Technological Information Network.

Inflation: Zimbabwe

When inflation in the southern African nation shot above 1 million per cent in the past year, worldwide cries went up for President Robert Mugabe's resignation. Now Zimbabweans carry sacks of newly printed cash to pay for a loaf of bread, and those with jobs choose between lunch and a bus ride to work. Mugabe is still in power.

Gender gap: Yemen

Greater equality between the sexes means better health, living standard and lifespan for women. The reverse is true in Yemen, where, the World Economic Forum says, lack of education, poor health care, lack of job opportunity and inability to press for change through the political process put women at risk.

Life expectancy: Swaziland

Afflicted with dire poverty and the world's highest HIV infection rate, the tiny southern African kingdom of 1 million has a shockingly low life expectancy of 32 – less than half the world's average. The royal family has a monopoly on the economy, and the majority of Swaziland's people live on about $1 a day.

Literacy: Mali

The large, landlocked West African country was, ironically, one of the world's centres of Islamic scholarship, and is believed to have founded the first university. Now, fewer than 23 per cent of men and women can read and write, according to the UN Development Program, which rates it at the bottom of the global literacy scale.

Freedom of speech: Eritrea

Since the government banned all privately owned media in 2001, things have grown steadily worse for journalists, with crackdowns on media, arrests, reports of torture, disappearances and deaths in custody. "President Issaias Afeworki and his small clan of paranoid nationalists continue to run the country like a vast open prison," says Reporters Without Borders.

January 2010

I have started 2010 on the wrong foot. A good hour after the ball dropped I had a fight with my oldest brother; over something that I have been bottling up for years.

All of this anger, emotional upset, and rage... which only took a few pokes from him, a bottle of wine and two glasses of champagne... tossed me in the ring for one short burst of crazyness that went too far.

Because of this fight which lasted only 2 minutes at most- I have decided that what was said was said, and I meant every word of it. I feel horrible about my physical abuse towards the situation, but it's done, and now things are extremely awkward, and he may never come back to Philadelphia... or I may never talk to him or his family again.

Which is fine with me- or I thought WAS fine until my other brother who I am actually close to, decided to speak his mind. Which ended up with me screaming a big "F-YOU!" at him, and storming out for a second time... leaving my mother a helpless mess.

So ! Happy New Year, Thank-you 2010... I am now ignoring and hating and being hated by half of my immediate family. Whoopie.

I didnt have a great new year. the husband went to a party out in York, PA to have fun with his friends... which of course...I decided not to go, because I am an angry little monster that cant handle parties that involve lots of drinking. The last thing I wanted was to have a fight with him- not knowing that this would have been better then fighting with my own siblings instead.

the Hubs came home and was sick for a good 12 hours... like really sick. Food poisoning. The minute he got better, I decided to drag him to my moms house where the second collosal fight broke out. We were only there for about 5 minutes, before I stormed out. This happened on a Saturday...

To make the week even worse, I had wanted to go skiing on Sunday with my brother- to get away from it all ... something I desperately need ( seeing as I can barely keep the tears in my head (absolutely miserable lately). I don't have any friends (see the earlier blog) and Luke would be working on Sunday from 10am-10pm. Which means another day that I would be all by myself- which could end up being a terrible idea if I have to spend another waking moment in our apartment looking at white plaster walls with ugly office like taupe carpeting that has been shredded up by animals, AND we dont have cable.. (nothing to watch on the tube except for the spanish channel, or cheaters, maury, the jerry springer show, or excercise programs, or info merchals), not to mention that the only fun thing to do in our apartment is to clean... and tidy... and clean some more... and drink coffee... lots of it. Ugh just thinking of our apartment depresses me. Lately I have really hated it. I think this is because I have been living in my apartment like a homeless person in a box....the last time I went anywhere was on Christmas to Reading PA.... which when I got there, I did the same thing I would have done in my apartment. Sat on a sofa and watched crap TV.... I'm slowly losing my mind. I am all for schedules but this schedule SUCKS.

Anyway, back to Sunday... I obviously DID NOT go skiing... not talking to my brother... and the only other person that could have gone, decided not to go because he wanted to watch the Eagles game....and has trouble with last minute fun things to do flung at him the night before going.

By the way, the eagles lost 0-17... I hope this person appreciates the fact that he got to watch the crappiest game of all time instead of going skiing with me. fml.

So I'm at work today alone.... it's like sitting in my apartment- only a bunch of weird stangers walk in telling me how beautiful everything is... blah blah blah... they look like trolls to me.... never have any fashion sense, they are old and grey looking, and usually don't buy anything and leave. So here I am sitting on an uncomfortable stool... which has given me back pain, neck pain, and has given me some sort of nerve damage- I sit here all day waiting to go home to an apartment that I hate.

so that I can come back to work to see people that I hate.... to go home to an apartment that I hate.... blah blah blah...

talk about being depressed and miserable.

So then, to make things a little worse, I have this amazing husband that feels guilty about everything... I can't help but tell him that I'm miserable, and of course he thinks it's his fault... he wants me not to be so upset-he doesnt understand my sort of depression, it just comes one morning, and wont go until I do something drastic... so I have to try non-stop to stay at least a little normal... which is really hard to do when all I want to do is take a vallum and go to bed and wait for spring to come...

I hate the way I feel- It seems every January I go a little bit insane. I feel like a caged animal. The only thing to do is GO SKIING.... there is nothing else to do. I dont know what else to do.

I need exercise, I need to get out of the Fucking apartment, I need to get the fuck out of Philadelphia, I need to TRAVEL, I need to get another job, I need to make new friends, I need to get a new hobby, or pick up some of my old hobbies, but I'm feeling drained! I feel emotional numb, I feel unmotivated, I would love to take a yoga class... but I dont like doing something new and different, I feel like everyone would be starring at me, I would do something wrong, make a fool of myself...I start to panic at the thought of something new and different, that I most likely would love to do.

I want to go to New Zealand, and get a job on a ranch and have lots of friends that arent terrible human beings. I want to have my skin look healthy, I want to be a non- smoker, I want to radiate, I want to feel powerful again, I want to be able to run for miles and not stop, I want to hike up mountains and be able to run down them, I want to laugh again, I want to do something different and fun everyday. I want to go scuba diving one day, hike a mountain the next day, ride a horse on the beach the next day, go skiing the next day, go surfing the next day, go cliff diving the next day, go camping the next day, have camp fires at night! , and so on. This is what I feel like my mind and body is about...HOW DO I MAKE THIS HAPPEN?

Today I came close to just spending all my money on a plane ticket.... to just fly somewhere beautiful, and when I get off the plane, I will walk until I find a farm, and I will knock on this persons door and ask for work, and if they dont help me, I will faint, and pretend to be a victim, and they will adopt me into their family... then once I get back on my feet, I will travel to the next village and meet a new family to help out. I will have a different name... no longer Liz...or Elizabeth... maybe just be called one word... "Twist" short for Twisted. If they ask for a last name, I wont have one... if they ask where I came from, I will say "nowhere" if they ask how I got here, I will say "I walked" if they ask where I am going I will say "where ever this road takes me" I will get over my fears of people and speaking to strangers, I will say hello to everyone that passes me... I will be a traveler that owns only the things on my back. I will be mysterious, and energetic, yet insite ful and calm, and level headed.

This is why I dont remember things, i'm not listening to you, I'm listening to ME... because this story goes on and on and on in my head... it never stops... everyday is a new adventure, which keeps me from losing it all together...

One day... thats all it will take.... to get the courage, to just GO. poof- gone, as if I never existed, but... am living for the first time.