I SUCK

She ran... while we were asleep. 

I'm a terrible mother to humans. It's as if I don't understand them...and yet I am one. Maybe if I hot glue a tail on my boys I will like them more?

Currently, Watts is being toilet trained and James is Teething. I have a 9 month old that screams non-stop all day. His cry instantly makes me want to throw him out the window, it is one of the most irritating sounds I have ever heard. I hate it with a searing passion. I have to often walk away and go outside. It makes me want a hard drink and a pack of cigarettes. Most of the time he isn't even crying. He's just screaming for the hell of it.

Then....while I am trying to get James to.... shut the f*ck up Watts has pooped on my floor... AGAIN. After I have spend ALL MORNING asking him to sit on the potty, praising him, and giving him stickers  and reading to him, to be rewarded with shit on my floor? Why? Did I sign up for this.....

He did it on purpose, as if to say, "You turned your back on me for 1 minute to tend to that baby, here's a turd.

I am so overwhelmed with intense anger and hate for these children and mostly myself.

I hate myself. I feel like a terrible mother.... and sometimes I don't care. I am getting close to sitting the both of these boys outside with a sale sign. I would never do this, but I have thoughts of it.

Being a mother SUCKS!. Its not ice cream and lollipops. It's hard kicks to the stomach while putting on a sock, puke on your favorite shirt, and shit on your hands along with a nice big pee stain on your sofa.

Oh don't forgot the sticky lollipop on your leather interior, food thrown all over your floor, and a doodle in your favorite book along with a tantrum over the use of a cell phone or a sip from YOUR coffee that they can't have.

Brats.... ungrateful little brats.

The best part... is when people tell me it gets worse. "Just wait till they are teenagers! " Fuck that, they will be in boarding school if this keeps up.

I never wanted children.... I never walked around with a stroller and a doll.

 Instead, I was outside with a magnifying glass burning bugs and setting trees on fire.
This curse happened to me when I turned 27... all of a sudden I was "missing" something in my life.
A baby... I had to have a baby.
Something to love me... something warm and cuddly.
Sure they are cute to look at. Sure I get a kiss and a hug once in a while or a funny comment that makes me laugh, or a sense of pride when they do something I taught them.... or contentment when I finish the day without popping a vein in my eyeball.

But is this worth it?
Not right now... nope.

I rather be at the barn all day playing with horses and driving a really clean sports car while looking at my manicured nails on the steering wheel and worrying about if I will have time to get my highlights done.

Me me me me.... where did "me" go?

No wonder women rebelled against the man... and got jobs, and stopped having kids- this stay at home- mommy world shit sucks.

I know I'm not crazy... even my mom said it was exhausting and she is like mother Theressa.
 She left yesterday while we were all napping. Left is the nice word for it... she ran ... I don't blame her one bit... I just wish I could do the same.

Without her I don't know what I would do. I need help, and she is the only one that can give me a minute to breath through this tough time. So thanks mom- I love you... See? I appreciate my mom. She had to put up with me.... and she was 42 when she had me. All of my relatives say that I was the worst ever. What goes around comes around.... and now I am faced with two of... me. Run for the hills. I have duplicated myself.

Keep in mind- this is my only way of venting. I do not take any anger out on my boys, and they have no idea that I feel this way. To them I am just a cleaning lady, teething thing, jungle gym, lunch lady, lawyer, punching bag and play date that gives the occasional hug and kiss for a boo-boo. I do love them.... just not every second of the day.

And with that, I am off to fix the tap that Watts just broke while washing his hands.
I'm also a plumber....
Not to mention that wipes clog the toilet. They are worse then tampax.
Had to find that out the hard way.

Look at my spawn.... they sure do look cute... but dont be fooled, they suck energy.