A Great Day in Two Years.

This weekend the hubster and I went to a wedding in West Chester. Since, the hubster and I have not been on a formal date in over two years we decided to get very fancy. I had my nails done, and then went to get my hair professionally styled. I felt like Audrey Hepburn. I had my hair done in a classic french twist, and with my large sunglasses and cocktail dress I felt like I walked right out of the 60's.

We had a great time. I was able to hold a conversation with adults, I drank beer before 7 pm, and mingled with new people. I sat down at a table with a table cloth and was able to eat my food slowly with a knife and fork. I even danced.

It was a 12 hour vacation, and it was amazing. I am so burnt out... that something that normal young people do every weekend feels as romantic as my honeymoon.

My mom took care of my boys while we enjoyed a little sanity. We slept over her house, and when I woke up in the morning I found my mother on the sofa with Watts my two year... he was lounging on the sofa watching the TV with a bottle hanging out of his mouth, my mom could barely move and managed to croak out that my son had woke up at 3 am with enough energy to last the whole day.

She was absolutely drained.

There was an article in the New York Times about childless couples. It's becoming all the rage. Kids... are exhausting. They are like puppies that never grow up into that perfect dog. It never ends. I suppose it's different for those parents that dump their kids off at day care, or have a nanny. That would be nice... but then what was the point of having kids? The article was about couples not having children...  are happier without kids.

Looking like a lady that just walked out of a movie from the 60's I strolled hand in hand with my husband down some beautiful streets in West Chester, the weather was perfect... a little old lady came hobbling towards us, stopped, and said "You look beautiful, you both look beautiful" My first thought was, Oh good I don't look like a slut.

If only she knew that just a few hours earlier, I was covered in chewed banana, changing two diapers at the same time, running around trying to feed my chickens, horses and cat, and loading up my truck with a stock pile of juice, milk, crackers, clothes, cribs, and electronics.... getting out of the driveway was a challenge that would dwindle the energy out of a 20 year old athlete.

The old lady didn't know that... and at that moment I had forgotten it all... was swept up in the romance of looking beautiful, feeling fresh, and strolling casually with not a care in the world with my partner in life. It was the best vacation I have ever taken, even if it was only for a few short hours. Times Magazine... some days I agree, somedays I don't.

Kids these days....

I was at the park yesterday with Watts my 2 1/2 yr old... we were the only ones there for a while, and I was forced to play with him on the slides... I started to wish for him to have a playmate... and my wish came true.

J.T the three year old showed up with his grandmother, and of course Watts looked at this boy as if he were a cat, and went off to play by himself... his social skills towards other children is weird... yet the hubster stated that if Watts made best friends with every kid he met, that would make him weird. I guess....

So I talked to the grandmother who was awesome. I immediately liked her. She told me that she had four kids... all within three years of each other. I immediately respected this lady and was like, "how in hell did you do it?" I wanted to know her secret to still being alive, and looking so great. She laughed and was like, "it was different back then, much easier to raise children" she had her first son in 1967. She told me the pressures today are much greater, and for some reason the stress of raising children is way harder then it was back then.

This really got me to thinking about why that might be... my first answer was.... cars, transportation...these stupid car seats are nightmares. They take up the whole back seat, they come with a harness that is capable of strapping a ferrett in, without it being able to move an inch.... AND, they take up so much space that you have to drive with your seat in the front so close to the dashboard that your knees touch the steering wheel. Taking a road trip equals big time nightmare.

Nothing like the sound of a frustrated, hungry, squirmy baby and toddler in the backseat screaming bloody murder.... because they want to move an inch, or sleep laying down... back in the day my mom would throw the kids in the back on a makeshift mattress and off she went for an 8 hour easy drive... stress free with happy slumbering children sleeping in the back. Sounds like a dream.

The grandma at the park spoke fondly of how she had a VW Bug and she would drive with her baby in the front seat on her lap. Can you imagine?

I wish I could just open the door throw the brats in the back seat and take off to do some grocery shopping. Instead its an ordeal.... and a stress, and by the time I sit in the drivers seat I am a cranky bitch of a mess that wants to die.

I liked this lady.... for some reason just her saying that raising kids today ain't easy made me feel like I wasn't totally insane for hating my life. Kids used to play outside on the street till it got dark.... now they are inside in airconditioning playing with my phone for hours, watching TV.... they WONT LEAVE!, and if they did... they would be kidnapped, or hit by a reckless driver on their phone, or wouldn't find another kid to play with....

My ex-boss told a story once that she was left in the car by her mother... her mom went into a store for a brief second and a strange man hopped in the car and moved it with Susan in the backseat. Susan was scared shitless.... the man got out, and told her that he needed to move the car because her mom parked in the way of his car. Can you imagine? First off.... I could never leave my kids in the car.... it would be child abuse. Next, I would never leave the keys in my car, it would automatically lock itself with the kids in the car... (happened, true story) or someone would steal my car.... AND nobody in their right mind would ever just hop into a car with some kids and move the car.... instead they would sit there and beep or aggressively start screaming...

Its a much different time...

My mom and dad signed my brothers up to go on a camping trip with a man named "Grandma Joe" This man.... would take several boys in the neighborhood camping. Turns out years later the guy was ousted for being a child molester. Thankfully my brothers stank too much to be molested, so they said. When I heard this, I thought my parents were retarded. They assured me that the whole neighborhood did it... it was fine, the man was nice and had a great references from the other parents. THE MAN WAS NICE? A man could never take several children on a camping trip now a days... it would be creepy. Especially if his name was grandma Joe.

It's a MUCH DIFFERENT TIME....

Anyway, life sucks now. That lady got me thinking is all... I really enjoy stories of the 50's-80's.... Something happened to America... people became untrustworthy, paranoid, and pussies.... so many safety regulations, so many creepy people that can't be trusted.... people are nuts.

I think TV, Internet, has helped the world realize what humans are capable of. It was better when we were in the dark. Communication was slower, and people were not in the know. Now the fun and freedom is gone, and it makes it very hard for our kids to be kids, or for us adults to enjoy them. Too many rules and guidelines have ruined parenting.  I mean look at the AIDS virus... people used to have sex... with many people unprotected...and not think twice... even sex has been ruined. Life sucks.

Nuff said.

The Toddler

Oh this brought you joy? This made you happy? Let me destroy that for you. The joys of motherhood. 

I seem to spend most of my time writing on this blog about how my life is chaotic and out of control. At 6am I heard a noise coming from the babies room. "Hi mommy, I'm awake now, I'm ready to go to Grannies house"

"Go to bed! It's too early!"
"No I want to go to GRANNNY NOW!"

The hubster jumped out of bed and placed our defiant toddler back in his room where a gate was supposed to be holding him in his fort. Ten minutes go by, you I can hear an ugh... umph... umph... the sound of little feet pitter pattering down the hallway...

Fuck it... I don't care what he does, I'm too tired.

6:30 am:

"MOMMY!, HI JAMES! WAKE UP JAMES!"
"Get away from your brother! Leave him alone, he's sleep....."
"Goo-goo... da-dad-dad-dadmammaaaaa"

Shoot me in the face!!!

I drag both boys down stairs, way earlier then I would like- I feel like hell.

I step over the gate into the kitchen, and rub my eyes... why is my fish tank water... brown? What... is going on here? I take a closer look and almost drop the runt and the toddler. I quickly put them down and tell them to go watch TV...

On closer inspection I see that someone retarded has dumped ALL... I mean every last piece of fish food into my beloved pristine fish tank, that brings me endless joy and comfort as I wash the dishes a million times a day.

That toddler had scampered down stairs and dumped the food into the tank. The hubster woke up, put the gate back up and put the toddler back in his room... I'm sure he noticed my fish tank.

I frantically start to try and get the food out.... I look at my watch. Of course. 6:45 am... no better time to do this... I love smelling like fish, and dealing with this first thing...

It took me a half hour to get it somewhat composed. The water is still green brown, and my fish are still trying to survive in the muck.... Fatty is thrilled. He was on a diet, and now he has an endless supply of food.

As I was cleaning the plants, a pebble fell down the drain.
That wont hurt it I dont' think. wrong.... The garbage disposal worked, made a terrible noise like there was a pebble in there, and then stopped. I plunge my hands in there...looking for the rogue pebble...       ( I rather pull a turd from the toilet then put my hand in the sink... its a phobia....)

I pushed the red button on the bottom of the disposal system like it was an emergency exit botton... please work red button!! WORK! . Nothing.... I spent the next thirty minutes plunging my hands down the drain and grabbing things that I don't care to discuss....
Misery doesn't even describe my face or feelings.

Its broken....mother... bleep bleep bleep bleppity bleep bleep.

To make a long story short. As the day went on, I found the bathroom door locked, so my toddler wet his pants, and my favorite baby bird Spots has disappeared because she was my favorite, and I just announced to the world that I was ready to love again... so I had to pay a price.

But on a good note, the garbage disposal started to work again, and I havent had a panic attack, and the sun is out so I can think about riding even though I won't get to ride any time soon. This is just a fraction of the drama- I'm too drained, angry, sad, irritable, hungry, and volatile to write anything else.

At least the toddler said "sorry mommy". In the nicest voice ever....and then asked to go to grannies house, and I almost killed him.

Memorial Day Weekend

The longest weekend ever.

A picture from "National Lampoons Vacation" with the Griswald family. This is my life now.

The hubster took Friday off from work. We drove to his dads house (grandpa)... a mere three hours away. Grandpa and John were busy making the house look perfect for a party that they were going to throw, so we took a field trip to Gettysburg.

I grew up near Valley Forge, and have driven through the park many times. There are small log cabins and canons and fields overlooking more fields. There is a small road with trees perfectly lining both sides. Don't forget the monuments of soldiers and horses, and large places to sit on steps.... to contemplate and envision what happened here a really long time ago... or you can hang out with the 40 year old man wannabe soldier wearing a very clean tailored civil war outfit and a leather man purse and fake musket and some fancy boots telling you about his time in the war... it's weird. Or I mean, its so educational.

So Gettysburg is the same thing... without cabins, and it is three times larger. So much land! It was beautiful. We went on the auto tour. "Look more fields! Oh look more canons". There were lots of plaques saying, "West Virginia,  New Jersey, Connecticut, Pennsylvania battalion fought here"

Poor hubster would have to field my questions.... I would ask stupid questions like, "So how did they get here?, West Virginia is like really far" The hubster would mumble... "They walked! That's what you do in the army... walk" "Oh....that's really far" "Yup, it sucked to be them"

"Didn't, like.... a ton of people die here?" "Yeah, a ton" "So don't you think they would think it was stupid that a bunch of people are driving their BMW's on tour, taking snap shots of the worst day of their lives?" "Yup... you would think so..." his eyes start to cloud over my my ignorance.....  "And wouldn't... oh never mind...."

 I just looked out the window as the hubster drove us around the park with the kids quietly snoring in the backseat and van morrison quietly playing on the radio. What a waste of space. There could be horses all over this field.... Oh, and look!  there my friends..., is a sign to ride your horse down that trail... and there is another canon.... and who mows all of this?! And was it this open? I'm picturing "capture the flag" (a childhood field game) with grown starving men running around in the bushes killing each other over some land.

I came home feeling confused and a little dumb. It dawned on me that we didn't really learn anything about the civil war. My school focused hard on the industrial revolution, slaves, Nazis and the pilgrims.

I took a class in college about the civil war, I stumbled through it because I cared more about just getting a passing grade on the test so I could go out drinking on Thursday night.... I was dating a really smart med student at the time, and I'm ashamed to say that I had him write my papers for me. What a waste of an education. I didn't care about colonel mustard and agent orange. I wanted a screw driver and a free ride to the club.

John was born and raised in the area, apparently he was drilled on the civil war as a child, they knew all the commanders and the name of each battle. They had to know this,  so that when people came to visit they weren't going around dumb, like me saying "oh look another canon!"

Anyway, so that was Gettysburg... very pretty....unmarked cemetery.

And then we went to go see some family an hour away. The minute we walk through the door we were questioned on Chickens, and Horses. I was in heaven. Turns out the hubsters cousin is into chickens and living off the land, and grid too! The hubster and his wife stood staring at us as we excitedly chit chatted on stuff that they were forced to love... He knew all the breeds, and had built his coop himself....thrilling chit chat! Needless to say. We had lots to talk about. Or rather I did.... I talked so much that I was feeling shaky by the end... my brain had trouble forming real sentences and speaking to adults... (the aftermath of teaching toddlers and infants the art of speech I suppose).

Then we drove back to grandpas house to socialize some more at his memorial day party. We had trouble getting the boys to bed. They finally fell to sleep around 9 pm which is terribly late for them. James promptly woke up at 1 am, and decided that he only wanted to sleep in our bed. He drifted off to sleep at 3 am (on the floor). Watts then woke up at 5 am completely soaked through and was shaking from his wet and cold PJ's. He stayed in bed with us for an hour playing on my phone. James then woke up... and I wanted to kill myself.

The hubster jumped up at 5:45am and said, "OK time to go home" and with that we packed our stuff, jumped in the car, and drove three hours straight through the morning to get to our house at 9:45 am, for the memorial day parade that was going down our street at 10am.

We couldn't get to our house, so we had to park the car down the road and hoof it. With the boys in PJ's, and Mango my sick baby chicken in a bucket. Oh.... we brought my sick bird on vacation with us...because that is perfectly normal, and that's my life now.

The neighbors looked at us like we were zombies walking out of a war scene. And with that, I plopped us on the front yard and watched the parade of old cars, and veterans walk down our street while the hubster made me some coffee and changed diapers. Stick a fork in me, I am done!

The parade ended... we ate lunch and crawled into our beds.

I feel like I ran a marathon.
I can't wait to get horses so I have an excuse to stay home.... vacations are not what they used to be. It reminded me of a scene out of National Lampoons Vacation.... on our way to "Wally World"

Just talking about Chickens..... 

That right there is a.... canon. Right outside my window! 

On the Auto Tour following some nerds in a rental tour car. going too slow and clearly in our way to see more canons. 

It's not you it's me

sorry for the "F" word. This is totally worth it though. 

It's going to be another terrible day!!!

I'm due for it. I had a nice day a few days ago, and now I must pay for it two fold.

It is currently 10:12 in the morning. 

So far....

I have found a comment on my white bored from my husband- agreeing with me.... that I suck. Got to read that little added gem first thing this morning and promptly left him a nasty letter for him to drop dead.

I left my coffee on the table to tend to the chicken and James dumped it all over him, my rug, and my table. 

He then took out Watt's potty and drank the pee and dumped that all over his body and face while I was cleaning up the coffee stains off my rug.

Daniel Tiger is not on right now because the husband changed the TV from Satellite to Cable. All the channels are different now.

 My son is throwing a terrible shit storm because he thinks Sesame Street and PBS suck. He likes NJTV or BBC World News.

James who is supposed to be taking a nap, is refusing to, even though he is over tired from destroying my patience. 

My baby chicken is still sick, not dead, but is not improving... I don't think the antibiotics are working or she is just taking advantage of sleeping on my tea towels in my kitchen while being spoon fed. 

The other chickens are not getting any better either, or worse... so who knows what they have, I'm sure it's contagious, I'm waiting for it to strike me so I can die terribly and make headlines on the news.. 

I also have stopped breast feeding which has led to my brain cells to grow back and my hormones to flood into action. It's taking all my strength not to take a baseball bat to something. 

I suppose in a way this is my baseball bat... and I'm beating the shit out of my reasons to give up. 

I use this blog to talk myself off the cliff.....

to calm down...

to take a breather. 

to keep myself from driving into the city and hitting random, pretty, single young people with my car just for shits and giggles. 

or to keep the rope off my neck and away from that very strong looking branch that looks capable of holding my weight. 

or to stop myself from sticking those kids on the curb along with my mom badge saying "for sale"

So- yeah. 

I feel better. 

Thank you blog.... for this amazing beat down.

Now I'm off to make more coffee, and supervise my kid play Daniel Tiger on my phone while we wait for the potty muncher to wake from his well needed nap. 

It helps to just walk away for a minute to assess the situation. 

Fiction

Sorry, not my best... very very quick sketch to get the point across. 

My dad thinks that I should try my hand at writing a fiction children's story. I don't think I have ever really written anything fiction. I had dreams about it all night. I thought maybe the best way to write a fiction story was to find a really interesting photograph and write about it.

When I was a kid hanging out with my best buddy Claire we would sometimes play a game where we would sit and watch people walk by. We would make up stories about them. Claires stories were always very enthusiastic and nice.... mine where always mean, and negative...the worst case possible for that person. 

Claire: see's a woman in a business suit wearing sneakers on her way to work. 

"That's Claudine, she works at a fortune 500 company, she is the boss of everyone and she has a mansion and 5 kids. She can do it all!"

Me: see's the same woman. 

"Nope, that's Hildaguard, or at least used to be. She is trying desperately to get her marriage back after sleeping with her co-worker who got her hooked on meth. She had 3 kids but now they hate her because she is a troll. She only just got another job and is trying desperately to get her husband back, but he's gone now because he's sleeping with Hildy's best friend Martha.... Martha Stewart. Nobody can top Martha, and Hildy knows this. At least she has her Meth! , which is the only comfort she has now-a-days"

With that Claire would look at me wide eyed...."Oh Liz.... can't you just say something nice for once?"

"Nope! Life sucks! Open your eyes, look at these people. They aren't happy, nobody is! They are all salves to "the man."

So dad... I don't really know much about children's stories. I still have that edge that may not be appropriate for kids. 

Oh screw it. 

Here! Here is a story. 

**************************** A lovely children's fiction story **************************

by: Liz the great

Once Upon a time there was an old house. It was put up for sale, and soon a nice little family moved into it. They had a two year old and a 2 month old... boys. It was a fine old house that needed some love and repair. 

This old house was special! It could talk! 

The new family liked it when the house talked to them. The floors laughed when you cleaned them. The walls commented on how pretty they looked with the new art work and pretty colorful paint. The windows admired their new curtains. The rugs loved the vacuum and the vacuum loved the rugs! 

Even the toilets talked. "You missed a spot!" they would yell. Especially if it was your hiney.

The toilets were hungry! They liked it when people peed and poo'd. They especially loved the poo. It made them feel so happy!

One day the two year old boy was told to use the potty. The toilets' were overjoyed to have a new friend. They loved the little boy's hiney. 

They couldn't wait for poo! 

But one day the little boy went and poo'd on the floor!

The floors were scared! So very scared of the poo... they screamed in pain. "I'm DIRTY!!! " they cried. They were soooo very dirty. The vacuum cried too because he could not help to clean the poo off the floor. The toilet cried because he wanted the poo! He was so sad because the little boy was scared of him. 

The little boy hated the toilet! 

The floors were scared of the little boy. 

The vacuum was sad. 

No one was happy!

But one day the little boy went poo on the potty! 

The toilet was overjoyed! He sang with delight! 

The floors cheered and sang. 

The vacuum wooshed around and happily hoovered up the floors in celebration. 

The little boy HAD SAVED THE DAY! Everyone was so happy again!

After that....

The little boy always went to the potty. 

The toilet became his very best friend. 

And they lived happily ever after. 

********************

Fin

There ya go. 

I feel good about it. I think I could totally be a children's author. I made sure not to curse. I think it's going to get one of those gold circle seal things on it. Yup it's a winner all right!

When it rains its pours.

I know you may think that I have the perfect life, the way I go on about how great this and that is...and blah blah blah... but man I got to say, that when things go wrong... they really go wrong.

Its a fairly nice day out... I was in a fairly ok mood. I was trying once again to get Watts to poop on the potty. He sat there on the potty for an hour or so.... every five minutes he would get up and bring me his pee. It started to get really annoying. "That's great Watts... I don't really care till I see poop. I just want to see poop now.. ok?" "I went poop!" he kept saying... it was always just pee.

I became desensitized to it. I turned my energy to feeding James. I was getting frustrated with James because he spits his food out all over me... I hate feeding babies. I HATE IT!
They are so gross. I just can't do it. So I was already really annoyed. When I hear.
"Mommy I need wipes! "

There stood watts, standing over a huge turd on the floor.

I broke down... I just can't do this anymore. I fucking quit.
I just started to cry... (more like heaving sobs)....... and I am not one to cry. I like to think I'm tough. You punch me in the face, and I will laugh and punch you back harder... these things don't bother me.

But... this? repetitive brain fucking? I just snapped. I started to scream... not at Watts... just at the world. My head started to shake, tears started to pour, and I fell to the floor, and started to rip my hair out... I just had a complete nervous breakdown...in front of Watts, who immediately ran to the potty, sat on it, covered in his shit and started to cry... "Mommy I'm so sorry I pooped on the floor!, I'm so sorry!" My two year old was clearly upset over my behavior.

I wanted to run from the house, jump in my car and drive to Florida, where I could join the horse community and start my life over.

I stared at Watts through my breakdown, and knew that I had to gather my mind back together and take care of these boys. I was scaring the shit out of him.

As we cried, I cleaned his shit up.... and both Watts and I comforted each other... he was sad that he had caused me to snap.... and I was sad that my two year old may never poop on the potty... he just isn't ready. I will be dealing with poop for the rest of my fucking life... and that's OK! Because I deserve it. I deserve to clean up shit. This is my life, I chose to have children... and this is what it's all about. Dirty shitty poop, vomit, dirt, snot, tears, you name it, it will touch you and your things.

So, I got him all cleaned up and went outside and found an old dirty cigarette on the ground and smoked it... and hoped that it would give me lung cancer... and hated the taste, but pretended that I was back in art school... when the only thing that I worried about was- if I would have enough gas to get home.

I gave the boys a hug and kiss.... and we all took a bath. The boys were thrilled... splashing around... soaking everything in site. I put the clothes in the washing machine, everything covered in shit.... and then I heard something awful. The washing machine drum had come undone, and was beating itself against the outer box of the machine.... it was totally done... broken. fucking SHIT!

Fine.... that's great.
I tell the hubster... he has a mini breakdown about cost of things, how his arm hurts, and how his life sucks because he has really bad allergies.... he's miserable... so of course... I let him know that I'm on the verge of snapping. I can't do this mom thing anymore. I pulled the trump card on him, totally not fair to him... I admit.

And with that... James had diarrhia  all over his crib.... all over himself... on the bumpers.. you name it, it has to be washed.

Fine... that's great. Bring it on!
Just shoot me in the fucking face.

I'm almost hysterically laughing at this point. I take the wet laundry out of the machine to find... a
DIAPER! When diapers go into the washing machine they release gel stuff... everywhere...
not only are all the clothes covered in liquefied crap... but now also covered in gel dot things....

Fine.... that's great.
I will just hang these up on the clothes line and pretend that they are clean, cause I don't know what else to do.... I'm done with this life.
I'm done!
And with that, I sit here writing this blog while Watt's sits in his room playing with his toys refusing to take a nap because he wants me to kill myself.... and James is sound asleep, because he just shit his entire contents out all over his bed....

and I am not OK.... but that's fine.
because this is what my life is all about.

It's great one minute. But man, when SHIT hits the fan, its a real blast.

At least I don't have ALS or Cancer.
This is just another shitty day....
At least it ends.
Right?
It will end.
Its 2:40.
The hubster said it will end when he gets home, he said I could go to the barn.
I have set my timer.
In that way, I am lucky.
So- with that I'm off to clean the rest of the house from the weekend. This is why my Mondays' suck. I took a vacation over the weekend and my house turned into a landfill.

Moral of the story?
Don't put diapers in the washing machine.

James sound asleep after his shit storm

Watts hanging out with the poop laundry

I SUCK

She ran... while we were asleep. 

I'm a terrible mother to humans. It's as if I don't understand them...and yet I am one. Maybe if I hot glue a tail on my boys I will like them more?

Currently, Watts is being toilet trained and James is Teething. I have a 9 month old that screams non-stop all day. His cry instantly makes me want to throw him out the window, it is one of the most irritating sounds I have ever heard. I hate it with a searing passion. I have to often walk away and go outside. It makes me want a hard drink and a pack of cigarettes. Most of the time he isn't even crying. He's just screaming for the hell of it.

Then....while I am trying to get James to.... shut the f*ck up Watts has pooped on my floor... AGAIN. After I have spend ALL MORNING asking him to sit on the potty, praising him, and giving him stickers  and reading to him, to be rewarded with shit on my floor? Why? Did I sign up for this.....

He did it on purpose, as if to say, "You turned your back on me for 1 minute to tend to that baby, here's a turd.

I am so overwhelmed with intense anger and hate for these children and mostly myself.

I hate myself. I feel like a terrible mother.... and sometimes I don't care. I am getting close to sitting the both of these boys outside with a sale sign. I would never do this, but I have thoughts of it.

Being a mother SUCKS!. Its not ice cream and lollipops. It's hard kicks to the stomach while putting on a sock, puke on your favorite shirt, and shit on your hands along with a nice big pee stain on your sofa.

Oh don't forgot the sticky lollipop on your leather interior, food thrown all over your floor, and a doodle in your favorite book along with a tantrum over the use of a cell phone or a sip from YOUR coffee that they can't have.

Brats.... ungrateful little brats.

The best part... is when people tell me it gets worse. "Just wait till they are teenagers! " Fuck that, they will be in boarding school if this keeps up.

I never wanted children.... I never walked around with a stroller and a doll.

 Instead, I was outside with a magnifying glass burning bugs and setting trees on fire.
This curse happened to me when I turned 27... all of a sudden I was "missing" something in my life.
A baby... I had to have a baby.
Something to love me... something warm and cuddly.
Sure they are cute to look at. Sure I get a kiss and a hug once in a while or a funny comment that makes me laugh, or a sense of pride when they do something I taught them.... or contentment when I finish the day without popping a vein in my eyeball.

But is this worth it?
Not right now... nope.

I rather be at the barn all day playing with horses and driving a really clean sports car while looking at my manicured nails on the steering wheel and worrying about if I will have time to get my highlights done.

Me me me me.... where did "me" go?

No wonder women rebelled against the man... and got jobs, and stopped having kids- this stay at home- mommy world shit sucks.

I know I'm not crazy... even my mom said it was exhausting and she is like mother Theressa.
 She left yesterday while we were all napping. Left is the nice word for it... she ran ... I don't blame her one bit... I just wish I could do the same.

Without her I don't know what I would do. I need help, and she is the only one that can give me a minute to breath through this tough time. So thanks mom- I love you... See? I appreciate my mom. She had to put up with me.... and she was 42 when she had me. All of my relatives say that I was the worst ever. What goes around comes around.... and now I am faced with two of... me. Run for the hills. I have duplicated myself.

Keep in mind- this is my only way of venting. I do not take any anger out on my boys, and they have no idea that I feel this way. To them I am just a cleaning lady, teething thing, jungle gym, lunch lady, lawyer, punching bag and play date that gives the occasional hug and kiss for a boo-boo. I do love them.... just not every second of the day.

And with that, I am off to fix the tap that Watts just broke while washing his hands.
I'm also a plumber....
Not to mention that wipes clog the toilet. They are worse then tampax.
Had to find that out the hard way.

Look at my spawn.... they sure do look cute... but dont be fooled, they suck energy. 

Sure they are cute... but.

Tonight I am going to be teaching a group lesson of about 6 girls ages 10-12. I am a little nervous... not to teach the lesson but to leave my boys at 4:15. My neighbor is going to come over and take care of them. I trust her and know she will do a great job but it's more the fact that my two boys turn into  terrible monsters around this time. I really hope they behave themselves.

I miss the days when I could just go to the barn and stay for as long as I wanted. I could talk, groom, ride and clean my tack after. Who knows, I could even stroll over to the bar with some friends and have a drink and talk horses. Those were the days.

Now a days,  I have a hot dinner ready and waiting for my husband. The kids are fed, changed, burped and ready for their bath. The house is as clean as I can make it while the trolls are up. I dash to the barn, rush around, clean, tack and get on the horse only to stomp around in a muddy, cold, dark ring.... untack my dirty saddle, hang up my dirty bridle, groom the horse and run back home.

It's a constant rush. I try to be gone no longer then two hours. The boys are normally bathed and put into bed... the hubster has cleaned up the remaining mess in the house and cleaned up the kitchen. I could stay at the barn longer I suppose... but I'm rushing home to see my husband who I barely said two words to before rushing out the house. He needs me, I know it, even though he says I smell like meat and cheese.

I don't know how working women do it. How do you find time to be with your husband and kids? I spend all day with my kids, and can't wait to leave the house for a moment. I feel horribly guilty that I am happy for a split second. I can't relax. I just miss the days when I could just grab my purse and go out the door to anywhere. Do you know what a luxury it is to drive in the car without something in the back seat either screaming or asking you the same question over and over again?? My life completely revolves around three other people... and I come in dead last.

They say kids grow up too fast. I can not wait for mine to go to pre-school!!! I appreciate how cute they are, and how they love me and need me now... but I refuse to forget how much of myself I give to them on a daily basis. They are worth it of course.. or are we supposed to say that? My kids are cute, but little monsters. I almost wish they were ugly so I could hate them a little. You can't hate my kids... though. You just can't. I'm not making this sound good.

 Currently, Watts is outside feeding bread to the chickens, he has eaten all the bread himself and is pushing his nose up against the window and asking for more. He also has just taken the diaper bags that are sitting outside and thrown them in the chicken coop, hoping they hit one of the chicks, he laughs maniacally. He is now throwing rocks at Ron the cat, laughing so hard that he has fallen over in some mud. He got bored of that and is now chasing the chickens around with a lacrosse stick. Meanwhile, Jbone is crawling around eating the cat who was trying to get away earlier from Watts. His mouth is full of cat hair, he doesn't give a shit.  Ron knows what I'm talking about, he spends just as much time trying to "relax".  I rest my case.
There is a lot going on. And you! You get to sit there and read this blog. I hate you... and your time.

Watts outside,  destroying things that are nice and happy. 

James sucking on Ron's fur coat. 

Jbone... mouth full of hair. What a ramrod.