Its a fairly nice day out... I was in a fairly ok mood. I was trying once again to get Watts to poop on the potty. He sat there on the potty for an hour or so.... every five minutes he would get up and bring me his pee. It started to get really annoying. "That's great Watts... I don't really care till I see poop. I just want to see poop now.. ok?" "I went poop!" he kept saying... it was always just pee.
I became desensitized to it. I turned my energy to feeding James. I was getting frustrated with James because he spits his food out all over me... I hate feeding babies. I HATE IT!
They are so gross. I just can't do it. So I was already really annoyed. When I hear.
"Mommy I need wipes! "
There stood watts, standing over a huge turd on the floor.
I broke down... I just can't do this anymore. I fucking quit.
I just started to cry... (more like heaving sobs)....... and I am not one to cry. I like to think I'm tough. You punch me in the face, and I will laugh and punch you back harder... these things don't bother me.
But... this? repetitive brain fucking? I just snapped. I started to scream... not at Watts... just at the world. My head started to shake, tears started to pour, and I fell to the floor, and started to rip my hair out... I just had a complete nervous breakdown...in front of Watts, who immediately ran to the potty, sat on it, covered in his shit and started to cry... "Mommy I'm so sorry I pooped on the floor!, I'm so sorry!" My two year old was clearly upset over my behavior.
I wanted to run from the house, jump in my car and drive to Florida, where I could join the horse community and start my life over.
I stared at Watts through my breakdown, and knew that I had to gather my mind back together and take care of these boys. I was scaring the shit out of him.
As we cried, I cleaned his shit up.... and both Watts and I comforted each other... he was sad that he had caused me to snap.... and I was sad that my two year old may never poop on the potty... he just isn't ready. I will be dealing with poop for the rest of my fucking life... and that's OK! Because I deserve it. I deserve to clean up shit. This is my life, I chose to have children... and this is what it's all about. Dirty shitty poop, vomit, dirt, snot, tears, you name it, it will touch you and your things.
So, I got him all cleaned up and went outside and found an old dirty cigarette on the ground and smoked it... and hoped that it would give me lung cancer... and hated the taste, but pretended that I was back in art school... when the only thing that I worried about was- if I would have enough gas to get home.
I gave the boys a hug and kiss.... and we all took a bath. The boys were thrilled... splashing around... soaking everything in site. I put the clothes in the washing machine, everything covered in shit.... and then I heard something awful. The washing machine drum had come undone, and was beating itself against the outer box of the machine.... it was totally done... broken. fucking SHIT!
Fine.... that's great.
I tell the hubster... he has a mini breakdown about cost of things, how his arm hurts, and how his life sucks because he has really bad allergies.... he's miserable... so of course... I let him know that I'm on the verge of snapping. I can't do this mom thing anymore. I pulled the trump card on him, totally not fair to him... I admit.
And with that... James had diarrhia all over his crib.... all over himself... on the bumpers.. you name it, it has to be washed.
Fine... that's great. Bring it on!
Just shoot me in the fucking face.
I'm almost hysterically laughing at this point. I take the wet laundry out of the machine to find... a
DIAPER! When diapers go into the washing machine they release gel stuff... everywhere...
not only are all the clothes covered in liquefied crap... but now also covered in gel dot things....
Fine.... that's great.
I will just hang these up on the clothes line and pretend that they are clean, cause I don't know what else to do.... I'm done with this life.
I'm done!
And with that, I sit here writing this blog while Watt's sits in his room playing with his toys refusing to take a nap because he wants me to kill myself.... and James is sound asleep, because he just shit his entire contents out all over his bed....
and I am not OK.... but that's fine.
because this is what my life is all about.
It's great one minute. But man, when SHIT hits the fan, its a real blast.
At least I don't have ALS or Cancer.
This is just another shitty day....
At least it ends.
Right?
It will end.
Its 2:40.
The hubster said it will end when he gets home, he said I could go to the barn.
I have set my timer.
In that way, I am lucky.
So- with that I'm off to clean the rest of the house from the weekend. This is why my Mondays' suck. I took a vacation over the weekend and my house turned into a landfill.
Moral of the story?
Don't put diapers in the washing machine.
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| James sound asleep after his shit storm |
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| Watts hanging out with the poop laundry |
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