Am I too old?

I sit here at the age of 32 and am filled with passion. I have finally found what I want to do with my life. I know what I am good at, have mental soundness and am in great physical condition to do it along with this feeling of drive.

Why couldn't I have felt this when I was 12? I could be at the Olympics by now if I had this sort of feeling.

Why did it take so long?
I wasted so much time watching TV, going to school for the wrong thing... twice, working small jobs with no ladder in site, laying in bed depressed, pumping my body full of harmful chemicals, and beating my Ego up with the constant supply of negative thoughts.

Biggest regret so far is taking too damn long to know myself.

I want to be an Event Rider (a person that does dressage, stadium jumping, and cross country jumping, it's like being a triple threat) , a horse trainer, and an instructor. On the side I will be a writer and an illustrator.... and I guess a mom and wife, farmer, goat herder, chicken breeder, painter, violin playing belly dancer.

The number one problem with this is... of course.  money. I have none of my own. I need that to take the classes. I then need a horse that can handle eventing, and then I need to trailer to events, and pay for them. Not to mention pay for lessons from a top notch trainer... All of which is too expensive.

I could still be a trainer and instructor though. I just need insurance, and I would like to get certified. These are also expensive. In a time where many people can barely pay for their horses feed... why on earth would they want to pay for a private lesson from me? Why would they pay a trainer fee for me to play with their horse?

 Because I'm good... that's why. I want to be the best in the business! I want to have my writing published in the Chronicle of the Horse. If I believe in myself then people will invest in me.

 Yet, I know myself now... and I know that I can also fizzle out once I hit a brick wall. A Large bucket of Water can easily be dumped on my fire.

However, I have never felt a fire this large before.... could it be a forest fire by chance?
Will it take helicopters and magic to put it out?
I hope so.
Like I said, I get what I want... if I really want it. I'm going to have to work hard, study, and be patient.

Patients.... one of my worst qualities... I have none.
NOW NOW NOW! screams my brain and heart.

I want it all now. I suppose that's what makes me stronger then most. I have never been given a horse. I have never been handed a silver platter. I earned those things myself. So when I do get them I appreciate them and love them... because I worked hard for it. I never got anything NOW... I had to wait.... forever... and I'm too proud to take hand outs- it's all business with me. Nothing is free in my world. Nothing.

Anyway, I'm going to have to work hard for this. It may even be impossible. I'm going to try though, and if I fail, at least I can talk about it. I have nothing to lose.

If I succeed though... well then my wildest dreams will have come true. And I can talk about it on the Chronicle of Horse! Or my new book, and I can illustrate about it! Because I'm doing everything I said would happen PLUS MORE!
I'm so excited.... my heart is beating, I know I am alive.... Sky is the limit.

And....You lucky people get to sit back and watch it all unfold. Go ahead... there will be no "I told you so's.... I'm going to do it. You can't stop me. It's going to happen you know.

And with that, I'm off to research and call a few people. The hubster is not going to like this blog... I can already tell.

My sketch book is full of this now