Home Improvements

I would say the hubster spends the majority of his "time off" improving or building something around the farm.

Most people go out on Friday night.
Not us! We eat pizza, and....depending on the hubsters mood we either chill, or work.
Currently, he is trying to knock down a stone wall that has been placed over an old existing door that the previous owner had covered up. I really like the previous owner and am friends with her on Facebook. Sadly, I have basically undid a lot of the stuff that they did. They moved the washing machine and dryer downstairs.... we moved it back upstairs. A lot of our difference comes from having a bigger family. They did not have kids.... we have three.

I think every home owner builds homes, or re designs them to cater to their needs. I loved what the previous owners did with the house, but because we have a lot of people living in this house, we need to expand, and open it up.

So, currently the hubster is taking a sledge hammer to the exterior wall and trying to open up an old door. We need light, and to make a weird space that has no value into a room of substance. It's sorta like a foyer... but instead, it has a tiny bathroom , and is just a sitting room. If we just rip down a 2' stone wall, and support the entire house with a steel beam, we could have an open kitchen. Our plan is to add on a conservatory, and open the kitchen even more, and use that door.... to add more light coming from the south to make the home feel bigger and brighter.

Most of work here starts with demo.

We need to basically break a bunch of stuff, see what it looks like and then work with what we have. It has worked so far.

My 80 year old mother lives in the cottage next to our house.

She just came out and said, "You are brave!"
Well yes, the hubster is brave, because he can easily build a door jam and can hang a door. So if he can just get the stone out, he can add a door. It's not scary at all. Plus it helps that we know that this house had a door there to begin with.

My comments to the hubster: "Do you feel better?" Meaning, to him, he is taking anger out on that stone.
His reply: "Yes, I'm thinking of X,Y, Z that you said this past week"
I smiled, and just said, good, yeah, use that anger on that stone.

I'm a jerk.
I knew I shouldn't have told him my dream that one morning he was getting ready for work.
But, when someone turns the light on at 5 am and wakes you up with an obscene amount of fresh scent soap.... it kinda ruins the dream. I think I was half asleep when I told him, he stormed out, without an "I love you". He hasn't mentioned it.... till now, because well. IT WAS A DREAM!
Men aren't allowed to get mad about dreams.

I digress.
Anyway, there is a lot of angry banging going on.
Hopefully we will have a door by tomorrow.

Oh good, the sound of smashed glass, I guess the window finally just dropped out.
I warned him about that.

                                                                                 

Trump- what a guy.

I never cared for politics, it was boring- you never knew what was really going on and nor did I really understand any fit.

Enter Trump- what a guy! Everyday is a new sitcom. You have to hand it to the guy, he is an entertainer. That's basically the only positive thing I can say for the man.

I have put a lot of research into Trump to try to understand how he became the president. I have watched documentaries, read books, articles, timelines, and I watch both Fox news, and CNN everyday. To further escalate my views I also can read the comments of angry Republicans and Democrats fighting it out on Facebook over a meme, a photo, an article- it only has to be a quote, and they are in an uproar. It's another reason why I had to take a hiatus- people disappoint me.
 It is a waste of time, landing on deaf ears of both parties except for mine. I want to hear why you love Trump, with actual facts. Prove to me that he is a great president and I will give you an A on your report card. However, no matter how many times I have asked Trump supporters to prove me some facts, they always fall short and really they are skirting around the issue that they love deportation, tricky down economics, segregation, and anarchy. They won't say it, but all of their favorite facts about Donald point to these underlying agendas. The rich get richer and the poor go homeless.

I have never seen so many strangers fight. Either you love him or hate him, and you believe in him like it's your religion. I'm not a religious person, in fact I pride myself on looking at both sides and have a respect to all religions. I have an open mind, and opinion that can be changed, I'm willing to listen and not cut people off that are preaching to the wrong choir. I want to understand WHY these people love Trump. What do they see that I don't? How can they possibly like this man?

He once was a quiet man, that followed in his fathers shadow, gleaning all the information he would need to become a billionaire. He took a chance and opened up Trump Tower in New York City in 1983.... it was his first real deal. New York was in a bad state, it was turning into a wasteland after the 70's. He went to the mayor, and they let him build and pour money into this tower without having to pay tax on it. This would become a cycle for him. No tax. He doesn't like to pay tax. When they cut the ribbon, he wasn't there. Nobody knew who Donald Trump was, he hid in the shadows. Fast forward two more buildings and a few people interviewing him on his success, and his Ego exploded. He loved the attention.

Did you know he wanted to be a movie producer? His favorite actor is Clint Eastwood, and his favorite movie is Citizen Cane. When he does that squinty eye stare, he is acting... just like his role model Clint. It's entertainment. He basically had a mob boss as his first lawyer... and he would threaten people with this lawyer. It made Donald feel untouchable and powerful. So, these are the small things to his personality that not many people know. You either love it or hate it. After all, he is just another guy...

Some claim that he's a sociopath. He has no conscience, and lacks feelings towards people. Is that a good or bad trait when it comes to being the most powerful man in the world? Look at the scientists that invented the atom bomb... they committed suicide after the fact.  I'm sure, if it were Donald, he would make a Trump Atom Bomb toy for kids to play with and say what an amazing mushroom cloud it was. How wonderful. In fact, I've never heard him ever say he "made a mistake". "Humble, sensitive, supportive, giving, caring, trustworthy, faithful.... " these words I don't think describe Donald Trump. I think that's what people like about him... he isn't those things. He is a bulldozer, a bully, and he doesn't budge or negotiate. I get it, really I get it.

At the end of the day, what do we the people need from a president?

The only thing I need is peace and a secure economy. So far so good. I will be thrilled if we can make it through four years without a nuclear war. Please Mr. Trump.... just don't push the red button.

Facebook

I traded in my Facebook hours of boring posts and other peoples lives to live my own life. 

Instead of FB, I read articles that I wanted to read on news, people, politics and for some reason Mia Farrow (what a weird lady) and yes, I think Frank Sinatra is the father of her kid. Woody Allen is definitely NOT the father. Basically, I made up my own Facebook of weird people that were actually interesting.
This gave me control over what I wanted to see, instead of things, I was forced to see. 

I looked at recipes I wanted to make, instead of looking at unhealthy recipes that were just gross. I might even cook dinner tonight. (Roasted pan Chicken with a pot pie sauce, with salad, and stuffing. Comfort food on a cold rainy day.)

I even went to a park with my daughter and went for a mile long walk, all without my phone. This made me feel better. I still cringe when she wants to go on the swings...  I can't really stand still that long. I get bored. BUT!,  I much rather spend time with my kid walking in nature, and getting some fresh air, then looking at maps of how far my friends ran that day on Facebook.

I always envied the people that don't use Facebook. When I hang out with them, I have something to talk to them about. Where as when I see a fellow face booker, we comment to each other how funny our posts were to each other.
Does this sound bizarre? It should.

I wanted to move! I wanted to get a house in the woods away from "this" life. It turns out that what I needed to get away from was social media and feeling like I was doing nothing.
I posted about my life and thoughts because I was trying to compose a book of sorts. All these posts were to be used as reference. It turns out while doing that I was needing validation and "likes" to create that... the more likes I got, the happier I would feel.
This is not NORMAL.

I started to research the word "unhappy".... I'm not depressed. I'm just feeling "unhappy".
It turns out that my situation is common among face bookers. I was putting my life aside to live on my phone. Watching everyone else live their lives, reading their political agenda, and mostly looking at photos of peoples horses, kids, and night life.
It became boring. I was bored. I needed a change. I need this. To actually write, or create or DO something.

I've also noticed that I have very little energy. Unhappy people don't get enough exercise, don't socialize, and don't eat healthy. All me me me.
I also drink way too much. Look out 5pm- I'm going to drown my anxiety in a 6 pack of cheap beer.

This is my week of change.

No social media, I'm going to cook healthy dinners, eat fruit and veggies, spend more quality time with my kids and take them places, and I'm going to stop drinking. I'm going to test this article to see if this is truly what is making me feel unhappy.


People that are unhappy will often not take a break, ignore time for themselves, avoid new things, or refuse to pamper themselves. Also... me.

So.... I'm going to close my barn on Mondays, Go to the nail salon on Tuesday, and find a new book to read. Yes, I'm going to try reading a book! I still have no desire to hang out with anyone- but I did look into going on a date with my husband. We never go out on dates. In fact, the minute he comes home we both rush off in opposite directions to get our farm chores done. Mondays, are our day off now.

So... heres to a new me, to see... if I can try to be Happy.

A ONE MILE WALK WITH MY FAVORITE LITTLE GIRL.

Be careful what you wish for.

I never thought I would complain about having "too much" but here I am, feeling lost, hopeless, and depressed.

People look at my life and think, "Wow, you are so lucky!, what a dream you live"

Well this "dream" has turned me into a person I don't really like anymore. 

Death: With any farm, there will be death. The fox got our chickens on Christmas Eve two years ago. Hearing the screams and running outside on a misty 3 am morning to discover your friends have been playfully murdered just hours before putting on a happy face for your kids and family... was just a start. 

Horse death is even more emotional. As I hooked up the trailer one morning to transport a horse back to his mom he ran full blast into the fence. His hooves sliding through the grass he couldn't stop in time and fractured his breast bone. That morning was spent with a vet that could only help by putting this horse down. Just another reality blow of how fragile these large horses are. 

Even seemingly fine horses. The biggest blow was having to put down one of my competition horses for a broken spine and neurological issues. This horse.... would forever change my spirit, and make me into a broken person. I have never gotten over that one....but it was the only humane thing to do. A baby horse to be forever in pain, was not the life he needed. Playing God, is just one struggle of this business. What is morally right? In this business, you have the people that are in it for money, and then you have the saints who want to save every horse... no matter what kind of pain they are in. I don't know who I am anymore when it comes to this. 

Then you have other farm animals that are family members, full of life, are like one of your kids. 

As we celebrated my daughters birthday our dog chased our cat across the road, only to be run over by a car. The cat was still alive. Her jaw broken, her spine broken. I held her as the amount of pain seeped out of her blood filled mouth. I handed her to my husband and said...."End this pain now!"

After years of seeing animals suffer.... I was now God and could easily end a life that was too painful for an animal to cope with. 

Then you have accidents. Horrible accidents.... our beloved dog jumped into our car thinking he was going for a car ride when one of the children went to get a toy. It was a hot day... too hot. And it took me too long to find my best friend- never guessing he was in the car. That moment I found him.... broke me again. It was the straw that snapped the camels back. I haven't been right since. The depression has never gone away. The feeling on the farm has never been the same, and the coldness in my heart will never go away. 

Yet, with all of these horrible things.... I still have to wake up, and walk to the barn and feed and care for the horses. I'm not allowed to stay in bed. I'm not allowed to give up. I have to continue on even when I feel like calling this hell "Death Farm". 

Meanwhile, the farm life has a way of forgiving you, and your mistakes. 

The dead animals are replaced by ones that get your mind away from the tragedy. The manual labor forces you to move on, and push through the thoughts of despair and sadness. 

The small things of a horse knicker, a head bump, or just the sounds of a barn full of healthy horses eating their grain and hay. The relaxed look on their faces as you brush the dirt from their coat and see a shine to their fur. The smiles on boarders faces when they come to enjoy their horse. 

I sometimes watch the boarders and lesson kids and get a faint memory of how I used to be before I lost my passion for riding. I still groom and love the horses, but I will never be that happy person that rolls up to a barn to ride with friends. I learned to stay away from the barn when happy people come. I think they can sense my sadness.... and their eyes change as my bad energy walks into the barn. My disdain for their happiness. My mind torn to a world I used to enjoy. That life is over for me now. 

They often give an innocent smile and say "come ride with us?"

My thoughts turn evil, and I politely say "Maybe another day".

If only they knew that riding for me is torture. My once perfect seat has wasted away, which would take months to gain back from everyday constant riding. Energy that I don't have. My hands shake from a reason I can't even put into words. My body tries to do what it used to do, but all I feel is tension and pain coming from my lower back and shoulders. Its just not FUN! 

Then the anxiety, to run a business like this, you really need to be people oriented. I am not a people person, which came a little too late to realize after opening the doors. Some people are great, and some people are out to destroy you. I never had enemies. I never disliked anyone. Slowly, the more I get entangled into this horse world, the more people prove to be vile, horrible people. This is an emotionally run sport. You have the know-it alls, the fake trainers, the empaths, the owners, the kids, the moms, the families. It's all a huge melting pot of personalities. In order to survive you need to be neutral to everyone and stay professional. I have made a ton of mistakes along the way. 

Trusting an old friend that you were trying to help have a horse while being on welfare...only to find out they slander your name and business...that was a fun lesson. Friends that aren't friends at all, in fact, they are just after your money, and your generosity. Once you take that away, they are off to ruin another reputation. I try my best to deal with all sorts of people, but I have learned to stop giving things away for free, for if you do, they take take take.... and then get angry when you have nothing more to give. This is a business, and becoming "friends" with an employee or any horse person that you work with is just a serious mistake. Keep it professional and keep your mouth shut. Sadly, I am not good at this no matter how much my husband tells me to "just stop talking to them!". It's gotten so bad, of people trying to cross into my personal life that I now turn my phone off after 5pm to any text message from horse people. They are listed under "work" and are not my "friends". I have lost trust in people, and have a voice in the back of my head of "when will they turn on you?"

This business has destroyed my enthusiasm. My love for riding. Some people have it, and some people don't. 

I am one of those people that just doesn't have what it takes to do it all. Ride, Teach and Run and work this farm. 

So, I hired a barn manager to deal with the people while I sit inside of my house feeling depressed and angry. I try to spend more time with my family. However, the peace of my home is unsettled seeing as there is almost always someone at the barn. Say goodbye to privacy or family time, vacations, or solitude. This farm has stolen that too. 

What I would give to live in a small simple house, and dash out the door again at 6 pm to ride my one horse while I watch other barn owners deal with the stress and anxiety of running this hell hole of a business. 

Some days are better then others...

I'm really lucky. 

I have the perfect life. 

The old me. 

So it seems.