Depression

Something is wrong with me. I am depressed. I have no reason really to be depressed. I have two great kids, my husband loves me, I have horses in my back yard, I have lots of land to play on, I don't have to work, I am healthy I guess.....

I feel selfish for feeling and acting this way. Yet, if I don't do something about it, I am going to do something really dumb. 

This all started with the horses being placed in the paddock next to my house. My childhood dreams quickly turned into a nightmare. It rained non stop, I couldn't ride, the horses were losing weight, I had to spend a ton of money that we don't have on food, their hooves are falling apart because of the mud, and there is nothing I can do.... I feel helpless, and it's so time consuming. I frequently get angry at the hubster and the children because they take time away from the horses. I sit all day, a prisoner to the sofa thinking about how much I would love to have a whole week without kids so I could actually DO SOMETHING. Get something REAL done. James cries the minute I leave the room, Watts will hurt James to get my attention. Markers are found, and soon I have permanent orange circles on my rug. 

On top of this, the only thing I had going for me... the one thing that got me through the hell of the day that I live was to dash out of the door at 6 to go Ride, or teach. The minute the horses entered my field, the riding stopped. I felt as though I was on a jet plane with a front row seat as we dove into the ocean. 

It wasn't just me having problems with horses and weather, my boss was losing business from lessons. No one could ride in the rain.... it was a mess. She snapped one day and called it quits.... yet she had a plan to hand over the reins to a large business owner that was a huge success with her barn. AND, I was going to be interviewed to work there. Things wouldn't change at all so I thought. 

I went for the interview, and it started off all wrong, I got lost, and was late... The lady didn't take much notice of me, and I had a sinking feeling that this was not going to work out. I started to get flash backs to all my previous failures in the horse business.... the ruthlessness, the pettiness, the no nonsense straight face... this was not Ginger... Ginger was family, this was a meat market of teenage girls prancing around on their horses. I still wanted to teach though... and came away thinking I had a job. What a joke....

Found out a few days later that I did not get the job. And that was it... I snapped inside. My students had to find a new place to ride, my career was over again, I was now a stay at home slave again, I have nothing going for me. NOTHING! I have no where to go... this house is my prison. 

Getting the blunt news of rejection also conjured up all those years of therapy that I worked on to patch the last horse industry related rejection that I had.... I was reliving it over and over again, and it was slowly driving me mental. 

Within a moment, I was back to drinking myself to sleep, and smoking away my anxiety attacks, and hating my life like a teenager... don't really know why I am writing as if this is in the past... because fuck it, I'm still doing all of this. 

I have to think of my cousin Nell in this situation.... she is stuck in a wheel chair a prisoner to her body. She can't ride, she can't even move! and meanwhile I am complaining about staying at home with my kids... I'm a monster of a person. I hope I go to hell. I deserve it. 

Meanwhile, a lot of this anger, rejection, self destruction is leaking onto the hubster who was just offered a huge job at one of the most prestigious banks. He can do no wrong, and has never had a rejection.... he is perfect. Although, he is an idiot for marrying me. He sits there at night watching me numb myself, and hating the world. He just wants to make things better. Yet, he can't.... because this is just something I need to get through. 

I will eventually get up and lick my wounds, as I have done countless of other times... but why? WHY CAN'T I just catch a BREAK! Why do I have problems getting jobs? At this point I'm scared shitless to try for the stars because it's always a rejection. AND yet, all I want to do is have a fucking career, I want TO WORK!, I want to have a JOB!, I wan't to earn my keep in this world, I want to have MY OWN MONEY, I want my independence. I'm sick of begging for money, tired of living off the man. Tired of being rejected....

I've had enough already.... and so, I crawl into my pit.... and lose my mind slowly, and hurt myself till I sink to the bottom of my ocean.

All because of Rain, horses, a job, a rejection, and internal hate.

Depression. 

That's what it's called.