Strange yet wonderful.

Today I feel strange yet wonderful. I feel like typing, chatting, and just interacting with people today. This is an odd feeling for me to have- which is where the word strange comes from. I went to bed somewhat early last night, I woke up early, I ate breakfast, even had a cup of coffee, and set out for work.

I wrote two emails to my oldest friends... the holidays are coming, and I usually see them when they come home, it's basically the only thing I look forward to all year... to have friends again.

I miss having friends, I think that is what is great about being in the dorms your freshman year... you are forced to interact with so many people your own age... so many friends, or are they... not really, they arent really friends.

I have been through college a few times now, and you would think I would have hundreds of friends... I usually stay in touch with one or two people, but then they slowly drift away, go running into the arms of someone better, or funner, or more understanding, or less busy. Who knows, I haven't mastered this whole friends thing- I try to invite my old friends out- yet they never return the favor... why? Am I such a troll? Am I not fun? I always seem to have fun when I do go out with friends...

Oh how I miss school- to have that one friend that you see everyday, and stick to, they are always there to go get coffee, or tea, there to go to bar after class, there to let you know when class has been cancelled. How I miss those days.

I miss my friends... everything is different now.

The only friend I seem to have is my brother, my mother, my father, my boss, and my husband. How lame is that? These people shouldn't be my only interaction for the week... I need something else... a new perspective. Where do people that are married, busy with work, and not overly party oriented go to find a friend to hang out with during the day?

One thing that I really can't stand however, is listening to female friends talk to each other... for instance, my boss is the typical 40 year woman... think of Jessica Parker from Sex in the City- or rather think of Charlotte, that is more my boss....

women come to the store just to talk to her... and the crap they talk about is stupid. I have noticed that sometimes my boss can get really loud and excitable, and who ever she talks to will mimick her energy. What is the deal with that? Women are a bunch of sheep with wolves clothing on. I have yet to meet a woman that won't back stab me, or talk crap on me, or tell me to my face that I am stupid or dumb. Actually, that may be my friend Claire... she will not for any amount of money talk crap on a friend, nor anyone else for that matter. Hence, nobody talks crap on her...

I tried this theory... I try to stick up for people... but my god, women are bitchy- they can't wait to spill the beans about the war-wounds of another female. ... so mean.

This is why men are fabulous creatures. .. perfect little soldiers with a third arm to please you. I have always had male friends... more because of the things I stated above- men are simple happy creatures that bond without conversation...one man could look over at another man and like his outfit... and so therefor, that one male is excepted as looking cool- and is now apart of the clan.

This sorta works in the same way for women- however, women will think that you look cool- and then go over to her girlfriend and whisper a comment saying... "I bet she's a huge slut" this is all because the girl is dressed to impress... this is another reason why I have problems dressing "sexy" it's all the trend... I just can't stand having other girls judge me on what I'm wearing. this is why I try to go almost business casual.... with a sexy shoe or something. You can't judge someone that looks like they just got off work- with flawless hair, and fresh makeup....makes me feel and look like a winner. I need power not attention, is my motto.

So to end this whole friend thing up- I have been invited to a "Holiday new member cocktail party" for the Philadelphia Orchestra- I am going to be on the committee- I am really nervous about this however because I may be the youngest person on it. Also, I am one that becomes bored very fast- so to sit down and listen to lectures about an orchestra will bore me to tears... and! this is a place where I doubt I will make any friends... seeing as these people could all basically be a parent to me.

Oh well worth a shot, you never know who you will meet. These people must have something that will help me out.

Vern.

Last February I parked my car out on the road and in the morning it was totalled. Someone had gone around the corner and totally side swiped my car... The luck of it was that the person that hit my car confessed to it, and so the insurance was covered.

After $10,000 of damages and 2 months of not having a car, I got my car back... but it wasnt really my car anymore.

I am a car fanatic, I wanted a new car after graduating college... and the car that I chose was a 2005 mazda 3S... I named him Vern, and I love vern with all of my heart... when vern came back from the shop he thought that his doors were open when they were closed, the locks didnt work, and then a few months later vern didnt even start.

The battery was dead. I had a warranty on it so I took it back to the car people that fixed him. A week later they said they had fixed vern... it was an electrical problem.

Now, when vern comes to a stop light he comes close to stalling out... or stalls out. After he stalls he starts up again... which is strange because usually when vern stalled out due to someone not knowing how to drive a stick shift, you would have to wait 5 seconds to restart. It's sad to see my little car so sick... is it because of the new battery? I have read that sometimes machanics will forget to restart the computer system... and so vern has to relearn where his idle is... or could it be a clogged fuel injector?

Who knows... anyway, vern has been raped! My favorite part of taking my car to this mechanic is that they cleaned the inside, and the outside beautifully... fully detailed... as if vern would drive better because he is now squeaky clean... if only that was the case. I would have loved to have known how great vern would be if he hadnt been in like 3 accidents already... the first one happened when he was only a month old... that was my fault.. you know drunk driving... following a friend... talking on the cell phone, or rather texting... not looking... and then boom, plowed into the person in front, when he stopped at a stop light.

Then this...

The front end and side doors have been replaced twice now... nothing about original vern is the same...

Poor little vern- my baby is sick I tell you... sick! I'm a bad mommy.

Weird Picture of the day.

You never see cat costumes... and yet they look so much better in costume then a dog or rat. I have a place in my heart for animal costumes- I think they are funny.... even though it's some what of a humiliation to the animal... I mean what must they think when they are wearing these dumb outfits? This cat looks somewhat pissed off... it has to hurt his face having his whiskers pushed out like that.. I mean those are his feelers... screw... so worth it to see him or her in this outfit. Nothing better then looking at a cat in a penguin outfit on a rainy gloomy day...

Yo-Yo Syndrome.

My old self: would smoke a pack a day (all day) + a large bottle of white wine (after 6pm) + 10 mg of Adderall (3 times a month) + a 16 ounce cup of coffee (10 am) + a bagel for breakfast (10 am)+ a sandwich for lunch (2 pm) + something hot for dinner (8 pm) = a miserable person. (all the time)

New self: 6 ounce coffee + blueberry muffin (10am) + 8 ounce water (12 pm) + cinnamon gum + fat free raspberry yogurt (2pm) + chicken, rice and veggie dinner (8 pm)+ 16 ounce water (8pm)+ a small amount of excercise = guilt free person with a lot more energy.

I woke up one morning and was sick of feeling so horrible- here I am a 28 year old woman that feels as though she has cancer all over her body. Whenever I felt like crap in the past it had something to do with my health, or habits.

As you can see.... it was both in this case.

I have my ups and downs... it seems around Fall time I always pick myself up again and begin a detox program for myself. This time though- I mean it. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for myself.

These are the things that I want right now: my goals.... not so hard to achieve.

I want more energy- not from taking a pill, or a vitamin, or from drinking something... I want to wake up with energy, and have it all day long.

I want to walk and feel energy coming from every step, I want to feel my body respond to exercise as a "yes! give me more!" like it used to.

I want to take a deep breath of fresh air and feel happy to be alive!

I want to go out with friends and be the nice girl at the end of the day that doesn't end up embarrassing herself.

I want my skin to glow, my eyes to shine, my hair to smell clean and look clean, my teeth to look sparkly and white, and my abs, arms, legs and butt to be rock hard.

I want to join a social network where I can run in marathons or better yet triatholons, read two books a week, or meet up at a dog park to discuss what's going on in the world, or girlie issues.

I want to have a job where my boss respects me, comes to me for ideas, challenges me for answers, and appreciates all the hard work I do. I want to go home feeling good about what I do for a living.

I would like to have a family when money is abundant- a nice little cottage away from the noisy dirty city.

I want my marriage to work out, and become more stable. I would like to become a better and more loving wife.

I want to learn how to cook really healthy cheap meals.

So many things- The most important step to all of this is that ... this is first time in a long time I have thought of positive things I would actually like to do.

Yesterday, I walked into a book store looking for something to read, and I just felt so empty and numb inside- I knew I would be going home to an empty smelly, cold apartment... there would be no food to eat, and my favorite TV show wouldn't be on for another two hours... all of the books I picked up were about divorce, cheating husbands or wives, good girls going nuts and becoming prostitutes, depressed or senile people living life... I mean nothing captured my interest because it was like... why do I want to read about some-one elses shitty life? I want to read something that I don't know something about- something to escape to- not recognize or relate to....

I left with nothing, and then visualized exactly how I felt... if I were to take my mood at that exact moment, what would it look like as a cartoon? So I went home, fed the cat, put the TV on, and began to draw my cartoon... a faceless person stuck in a cage trapped on a dessert island, with tourists dancing on top of the cage, and liquor and cigarettes just on the outside of the cage of the trapped person... some times I feel like the dancers, sometimes I feel like the burden stuck in the cage. I'm in a yo-yo phase... I never know if I will be feeling up or down- I would like to feel up all the time...

Maybe tomorrow will be even a better day.