The Job Hunt in Today's Society.

I have recently been actively looking for a creative job. The stay at home mom role is challenging and may be one the most demanding of all jobs I have ever had, yet I feel that in today's society it is frowned upon to be a woman living off the man. Women are more independent now, and as much as I love my kids and feel that the best care giver for them is me... it wouldn't hurt for me to be a care giver, AND work. I certainly am capable and strong enough to handle both.

I have always loved to work, and when I do work I put my heart and soul into it. When I was in design school studying Interior Architecture it came the time to find an internship. I sat in a class of 40 girls all going after the same dream, and when it came time to get an internship we all fell to our knees looking for a job. It was the recession. Jobs were hard to come by, and paid internships were at an all time low. Interior Design Firms were closing their doors, and I was thrown into this heap of people wandering around throwing resumes and cover letters to the Internet and postal service without ever hearing any word back.

I was fresh, young, and full of the most up to date of information, the world was at my finger tips, and my confidence was at an all time high. My teachers and fellow students loved me, and I was in a giant bubble of success. Yet... to get the outside world to see this was impossible. I had trouble standing out, and my first impression was a boring letter telling a stranger why they should pick me.

I never got that perfect for me internship that swooshed me into the job of my dreams. The longer the time went by the more my confidence started to dwindle, and self doubt came roaring into my ears. I ended up working in the retail field, which allowed me to learn many tasks. Importing, Exporting, Visual Merchandising, Web Page development, the list goes on. It was a great experience that I finally had to let go of due to having children.

Now, I'm trying to get back in the world. Having to teach myself all the software I left behind at school. The updated versions, have become more user friendly, and all those quirks from the past are gone. A monkey could learn this stuff, and I am that monkey. Self motivation is one of my weaknesses. I never enjoyed being my own boss. To force myself to do things without being told or how, to have a strict assignment that pays no money only experience. Sometimes, I think. "Why bother?"

I have to bother because now people are hiring again. I don't want to slip through and be forgotten. I want something in life. Independence, Pride, and Self Worth. It's not just a job to me. It's who I am. I am a worker, not a slacker, or a sitter, or a couch potato. I have talent, I have a mind, and I think the world needs someone like me out there.

Since sending out paper to strangers has not been working, I will have to start making real life connections. I will have to get my face out there, meet people, and show them in life how full of life I am. My next step to all of this will be my unveiling. I am going to rework myself into a creative machine, and start shining. I will not let people just pass me by like a tiger in a cage. Instead, I must roar, and bring them to attention. I think this is what it takes to get people to notice a person now a days. I will not be another resume in a pile. I will be the person standing in front of you, shaking your hand with a smile, and my resume will speak for itself.

Raven is lame and I'm up the creak with no paddle.

The hits keep coming. I seem to have very bad luck when it comes to my animals. All of my chickens are now gone either due to sickness or predators and now my little pony has turned up lame.

About three weeks ago I went out to feed Raven and Ellie, and noticed that Raven was limping as she cantered towards me. She slowed down to trot and her head was bobbing and she was clearly in pain. I checked out her legs as she ate her food. No swelling, no heat, no cuts, no hoof marks from kicks... nothing. I picked out her feet hoping it might be a rock that she stepped on... her feet were fine.

I waited a week or so, and could not wait any longer, I had to call the vet out.

The horses got their shots, and Raven was looked at. The vet suggested she get a nerve block done on her back right hind leg which was showing the lameness. I had to think about it, since Raven doesn't belong to me. I contacted her owner, and was slapped in the face with a "I want this amount of money for the pony by the end of the month or I will take her tomorrow"

I'm faced with hard decisions. Do I go ahead and pay for more expensive vet fees to find out whats wrong with Raven and then pay the fee asked? and... do I look like I am made of money? I got the owner to take about 75% off the originally asking price. The price being asked is still a lot for a lame green pony that can't be ridden. I could pay this price for a horse that has been around the A circuit and is fully trained and sound.

I had the vet over again today. Raven is now getting worse. She showed up lame on her front left leg and her hind back right leg. The vet asked me to tell her my situation with the owner and as I told my story her mouth dropped open and immediately said "Get rid of this horse"

She took one look at my face, and saw that this was the last option. She decided against doing the nerve block, seeing as it now was in two legs, not just one. It would be too difficult to find the problem in just one leg... but now two?..... For a horse that does not belong to me, and could take a few more thousand dollars of vet work to find out whats wrong... with a grim diagnoses. The vet was pretty sure that this horse would have to go through a lot of therapy to ever be ridden again. I looked at the vet and was begging for other solutions.

I mentioned "Lyme disease" after all, why would this horse be getting worse? She looks arthritic. Is very sore, lethargic, and without being ridden or working... is getting much worse as the days wear on. The vet thought this was a great place to start. She drew blood, and I will know in a few days whether this is the culprit.

If it's not  Lyme's disease I am going to have to give Raven back to the owner. I can't afford to keep doing tests on her.... This could be one of the worst Thanksgivings of my life so far. I'm faced with horrible choices, and feel as though Raven and I are stuck in a corner together with nothing but bad news.

I'm praying that this is the cause, it would explain a lot. If it is Lyme's disease she will get some antibiotic, and I will hopefully have my pony back and I will gladly shell out the money for a healthy pony that is like family to me. If its not, I will end up contacting the owner, and hope to god she will be like, "Just keep her, I can't sell her lame like that, it's a total write off" Yet, I know in my heart she will be here within 24 hours of that phone call and will take the pony and do whatever with her... those thoughts haunt me.

I will have to find a new companion animal to keep Ellie company. Ellie is going to freak out if they take Raven... just today while the vet was here I had to tie Ellie to the fence just to trot Raven up and back, and she started to scream and pull at the rope as I walked Raven away from her. They are a pair, and it will do mental damage to Ellie if I let this pony go to another home.

WHY ME? Why am I always in these bad situations. First lesson learned. Always have a written agreement if you take on someone else's pet. In most cases this would be the owners responsibility to get the vet out and pay for the costs of it's health care. There is a binding agreement that would have protected us both. If anything happens to the horse while on my property I am not responsible. Yet, here I am... both the owner and I are in a bad situation. The owner now has a horse that was worth money, and is now worth nothing so she has lost that sale, and I am stuck with a sick horse that belongs to someone else.

Oh little life of mine, why must I learn everything the hard way?
Fingers crossed its Lyme's Disease.
Never thought I would ever be wishing for one of my animals to have a disease.

Etsy and Finger Print Trees.

I need to start bringing in a little money of my own to pay for my horses. I have decided to open an Etsy account and start selling my talent on canvas. I started with a finger print tree that I did for my friend Kari's Wedding. She loved it so much that she urged me to start selling these on Etsy. It was easy enough. She showed me a tree that she liked the look of, asked me to carve her and her husbands initials in the trunk and add a swing. I finished it in two hours, and had fun doing it. I went to art school, I might as well put my talents to good use. Fingers crossed that I get some business, or it's back to the drawing board. You can see my little store here at the link below. I of course named it The Lizards Den. I will eventually start adding other things like paintings, cartoons, custom art, and maybe some framed Italian Landscape Scenes. The sky is the limit, let's hope this takes me to a new level of starving artistry. Enjoy!

https://www.etsy.com/listing/168367892/wedding-fingerprint-tree?

Offended?

I was just reading an article about a girl that dressed up as a Boston Marathon Runner covered in blood.  Not only did she get fired from her job but she has also been harassed with death threats. The more social media I read the more I see similar outbursts from people.

People/Readers are easily offended, and have no problems tooting their horn all over the Internet. Yet, I'm sure if face to face these same people wouldn't say a word to show their irritation.

One face book user was very offended by a plastic Halloween skeleton hanging from the neck in a neighbors yard. She was horrified and extremely angry over "lynching" and how this made her think of slavery.  Really? It's a toy decoration hanging in a tree... I mean people have been lynched for thousands of years... not just African Americans. But that is besides the point. People just want to get angry over something. They want to point a finger...

I feel for this girl that just lost her job. Halloween is supposed to be about scary costumes, things that make you scream in the night. The day of the dead. It initiates the triduum of Hallowmas, the time in the liturgical year dedicated to remembering the dead, including saints (hallows), martyrs, and all the faithful departed believers.^[7] 

So, according to the definition, wouldn't this girl have had an appropriate costume? She was remembering the dead... perhaps it was her sexy happy pose that caused more of a threat?

I'm more offended by young women that use this holiday to dress up in provocative dresses, showing lots of cleavage and upper thigh. It's not cute, it's not scary, it just says one thing... You finish that sentence, I'm not going to. Yet, I'm not offended at all. Again, it's all for fun. Dress how you want. Just cover your bits and pieces!


For me, this Halloween was scary. The people year after year become more opinionated and sensitive. I slowly start to find myself getting pushed further from the circle of normal. Normal is social media, iPhone crazed, young people and old people alike living their lives through the Internet. It makes it easy for them to go on blast and blow their hateful comments every which way. It's cowardly.
People are judgemental and angry and get a kick out of destroying and tormenting young girls that dress up in dumb Halloween costumes.

I feel sorry for the girl. I hope someone will give her a second change and people will eventually leave her alone. Don't people realize they have ruined this young persons life? It's a Halloween costume.... not a mockery of terrorism or people that were hurt or killed at the marathon.

Update on: Miss Bobbie Socks after she left me….

Well here I thought my blogs were just stupid rants and raves about my little life....

I wrote a story about my horse Giselle (Miss Bobbie Socks) that I had re-homed. At the time I could barely write the story due the excessive crying while typing... it was not an easy story for me to write about.

Yet, the story worked it's way to Google, and a girl who was on a mission to find her once loved horse now knew where to find her. I knew that Giselle had a story, a good one... and magically her story came to light when I received an email from a girl named Mallory. I was in shock.... she sent pictures of Miss Bobby Socks at the Hampton Classic, with this girl on her back.

The email was this:

Good afternoon,

My name is Mallory ******  and due to the help of many friends I have come across your blog post about "Miss Bobbie Socks"- or "Giselle".

Almost three years ago I was shown a horse that was picked up from auction in my search to lease the perfect child/adult jumper. Miss Bobbie Socks, or "Hope" as she is known to me was one of them. I leased her for a year and a half and we ended our run at the Hampton Classic right before I left for college (photos attached). When my lease was up she returned to her owner, Wayne Dougal, who later sold her to the Strain family horse farm. I was confident that this was a good home until recently when I became informed that she ended up at Camelot. Attached are her photos from Camelot, as well.

I have been desperately trying to track down her new home in an effort to make sure she is safe. I am completely torn apart over the fact that she ended up at auction but your blog post has sincerely given me so much hope for her safety.

Please, if you know who has her or who got her from you, let me know. I am on a crazy manhunt here and judging by your post I'm sure you know why- this is an amazingly special horse. By the way, we had trouble picking a show name when I had her until finally we saw her jump. We then settled on "SuperGirl"- you know why!

Thank you for taking care of her for the time you had her. I am so relieved to see that. I am hoping I can see her again.

THANK YOU

Funny enough.... I came up with the Name "Giselle the Gazelle" in the truck coming home from Auction.... the guy at Camelot said that this horse had jumped out of the round ring, and was too much to handle for the two other people that had adopted this horse before us.... well now we know where she learned to jump! 
Of course... I was over the moon about this new information.... Mallory and I quickly started writing back and forth and now Mallory is on a good path to finding her beloved horse... I hope they can meet again.... If anything, the power of this blog has helped a girl find her friend once more. I am so happy for her, and do hope that she in the end gets her horse that we both loved so much back.
Good luck Mallory!
And my love will always be with you my sweet peasant girl....I think of you every day, and miss you terribly... if only you knew how much you have touched those around you. A very special animal indeed.
Here's to a happy long life with lots of people that love you unconditionally. 

My first day with Giselle the Gazelle my Peasant Girl.

Mallory and "Super Girl" (her show name).

Mallory and "Hope" as she was also called.

Mallory and Hope 

Mallory and Hope

Me and Giselle after our first ride.

Giselle after she kicked a hole in the wall....

Giselle a few days later

The race horse....very scared and unsure at first.... looking at the blueberry farmers in the field in front of us.

BUT WAIT…. the story still goes on for this poor horse. I just got an update on Miss Bobbie Socks.
I sold Giselle (Miss Bobbie Socks) on July 20th 2013.
I was just notified by (Miss Bobbie Socks) current owner of her history so far since she has left my pasture plus she did extensive research and found all the places that Giselle has been before she hit Camelot.  (Where I found her)
I sold her to a Trainer in Connecticut that would find her a forever home.

The trainer I sold her too sent me this after she sold her to her new home.  This is a picture of Chris (her current owner) riding her.

which is where the current owner Christina and her partner bought her. She now lives in Malvern, PA only an hour or so away from me. She is currently being worked from the ground up and will hopefully have a forever home. If Christina does not want Miss Bobbie Socks anymore I have agreed to take her back. Because she is so close to me, I may even go visit her.

Christina sent me this picture of her 1 month ago in her current home. 

Miss Socks all ready for lunging. Chris takes exceptional care of her and dressed her in they fly sheet to help her concentrate while lunging. 

That is one happy and healthy horse. I'm so pleased to have met Chris and correspond with her regularly with fabulous stories of the horse that was once a mystery. 

Lets hope this is the last update.
Goodnight Miss Bobbie Socks. I'm thankful to know where you are. I can sleep well tonight.

My life without kids

Today is one of those days where I desperately want to go on vacation from my children. I sit in a daze as my children scamper all over my body pulling my hair, ripping my glasses off, shouting over the news that I am desperately trying to watch, and jabbing a knee or elbow in my soft parts.... and a terrible feeling of numb engulfs me where my body and mind turns off and runs to a different place.

That place.... I often wonder what it would be like.

A business woman perhaps an art director, or Interior Designer....  wearing a pencil skirt, stilettos, and Italian shirt tucked in with gold expensive jewelery dangling from every part of my body.... I would grab a coffee from starbucks and jump into my brand new sports car that still smelled of fresh leather and would be gleaming with imported wood. I would have music blaring as I raced across town to my very important job where people looked to me for all of the answers. I would work late most nights, but on those nights that I make it home I would make time to ride my horses.

On my days off, I would stay in bed snuggled under my very expensive clean white crisp smelling sheets, and read a book with my cat and my freshly brewed coffee just inches from my hand. I would take a shower for over ten minutes and walk around in silk pajamas before once again starting my day of painting, and riding my horses. Some weekends I would have to wake up early to primp and pamper my horses to haul them off to a horse show, where I would enter the show ring and walk out loaded with awards and ribbons.

To celebrate, my husband and I would pick a fine restaurant in the city to drink and dance the night away together... the conversation would not involve how many poops our children had or what color or smells they consisted of, but instead it would be devoted to talking about our accomplishments, things that were happening around the world, and of course where our next big vacation would be... perhaps Australia, or Bali, or even Bermuda for a romantic get-a-way.

Long hours would be rewarded with high pay, and with that money we could travel in luxury, anywhere our hearts decided to go. Paris would be a hot spot to do some shopping, and Africa would be a place to see our favorite animals on a safari.

Next on the list would be friends... lots of them... I would host dinner parties where couples would flock to have the best cheese and the finest wine. So tired from laughing they would leave with large smiles on their faces and great stories.

And scene!.... lets snap back to reality for a second.

Currently... my one year old is tormented by his teeth, and along with his screams of pain his older brother, a complete monster comes over and football tackles him to the floor, where his already sensitive head hits the floor, with the silent screams to follow, I am the only person that he can go to for comfort.

Then while my two year old sits in time out for being a terrible brother he dismisses the fact that he no longer wears diapers and craps on his time out chair... to clean this up, I must put down my sensitive one year old who erupts into violent screams as I try to clean up fresh poo... using my leg to hold back the one year old and scream at the two year to stay clear of the one year old... this is not what I signed up for.

Having children was a terrible move on my part. I wasn't cut out for loving this career, yet there is nothing I can do about it now. My hopes and dreams have flushed down the toilet with the poo of my two year old, and now it is only a matter of waiting for them to grow up so I can start my life over the way I want it.

Yet, if I hadn't had these children I doubt my dreams would be so intense.... I took life for granted, and my personal time was nothing more then a luxury that I didn't appreciate.

Now with the drive, and forced intuition for hard work, I feel as though I'm ready to conquer the world, and looking forward to enjoying my life as an adult.

I wonder sometimes if this was the only way for me to push myself to what I was meant to be. Maybe the children were a blessing, even though most times it feels like a terrible burden.

At the end of the day, I have a job.... raising these boys to be men that treat humans and this planet with respect. If I can accomplish that then my life will mean something greater then having a successful life as a corporate business woman. I gave a giant chunk of my life to create two men that will hopefully work as hard for something they love as their parents did.

Maybe then I can feel successful. Yet right now... I feel like a failure wasting my life, and growing old and ugly... my youth is slipping away, and at the end of the day I'm  just a mom stuck in a house in New Jersey surrounded by bad smells, loud noises and the constant feeling of numbness.

London Calling

We just got back from Brighton, England. My Uncle John turned 80 and it was a great chance for the hubster to meet all of my family across the pond. It was a daunting task to haul my 1 and 2 year old on an 8 plus hour journey. We had to drive an hour to the airport, wait about three hours to get onto the plane, and then travel through the night for 7 hours to arrive at a very large airport, find our way through it to take a shuttle bus to the car rental place, and then drive on the wrong side of everything another two hours to our final destination... my aunts house.

I haven't felt that sleep deprived since having a newborn baby, and even that did not compare to the sensation of utter mind warp. For a whole week my mind was in a gentle fog and my brain cells were working at about 15%. The boys did not do well with the time difference either. Their tight schedule of naps and sleep time were hit with a wrecking ball and my little baby turned into a grump monster that would wake up on the dot at 3 am screaming while my two year old would sporadically start his sleep with a nice cough and vomit on the floor. A mystery that we still haven't figured out.

On top of the sleep deprivation we all achieved the luxury of having terrible colds. Sore throats, runny noses, blocked sinuses... it was one wrecking ball after another when it came to physical comfort.

Those were the bad things....

Yet, on top of all of this we had an amazing time. My cousins took us out drinking at night, (the hangovers did not help the sleep deprivation, colds, and mental retardation) and during the day we pried ourselves off the sofa to go sight seeing.

The hubster is an expert tourist. He has had the luxury of growing up with a family that dragged him around the globe to see all sorts of different countries and do the tourist thing of joining tour guided groups. He wanted to see London. He had never been, and as much as I dislike large cities I couldn't throw a wrench in his hopes and dreams. Elliott, my cousin is an expert at traveling with out a car, and he had a doctors appointment in London at 4 pm. We all went on the train and landed in London an hour later. Our first stop was Wellington Square to meet up with a free tour. Gary was our tour guide. We walked through Hyde Park and learned about Queen Victoria and her many assassination attempts. We, walked past the walls of Buckingham Palace and learned of the many break ins and the people that had met the Queen Mother with out a welcome. We stood in front of Buckingham Palace and learned about the flag, and the gardens. We saw Prince Charles and Prince Harry's home just across the way and took photos of the guards with their bear fur helmets.

Hyde Park is very much like Central park of New York City, only there is not the constant sound of beeping and there are no homeless people. It was very much picturesque of the Renaissance days of luncheon in the park. I know that if I lived in London this would surely be a place I would frequent. Amazing how this beauty of a walk was located in the center of a city. It changed my opinion of London Instantly.

We ended up in front of the National Gallery, where we left the tour.... seeing as our time was running out. We dashed into the National Gallery for a quick look at some Rubens, Jan Van Eyck, and many other Baroque Artists mostly Flemish, since that was the area we were in. The interior was instantly soothing to me. The architecture was as beautiful as the paintings. The first thing you approach as you walk in is a stained glass dome, light pours in and marble stairs in case you. My only stipulation with the gallery was that to every room you went to there were very heavy doors that took a bit of strength to open. Not only was this irritating, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for those in a wheel chair, or the elderly, or parents with kids in strollers. What a pain.

Buckingham Palace

The fountain outside of the National Gallery. Trafalgar Square.

London Guard outside of Prince Charles house. 

Anyway, we grabbed some lunch and waited for my cousin as he went to his appointment. We took the bus back to Victoria Station and went home.

We went to my uncle's birthday party, which was lovely. He had booked many rooms for family to stay in and we had the privilege of having a room with an extra room and private bathroom. It was awesome. I spoke to many cousins I hadn't seen in ten years, and then we went out after the party to celebrate some more.

The following day we went to Beachy Head. A quiet drive through some picturesque country side. We passed the largest sheep dealer in the world. Who knew that sheep came in so many different shapes and sizes, AND did you know that sheep have tails? I didn't.

We finally arrived at the Dover Cliffs. One of my most favorite places in England so far. I had visited there when I was about sixteen or so. A depressed teenager I was... and walking towards the edge gave me an overwhelming feeling of life. I didn't want to lose it by standing too close. The wind is strong, and the view is empty of civilization. It can't really be described in words or pictures. There is no fence to hold back your cars, or your body's from plummeting off the edge if that's your goal of the day, and many people use this as a place to do exactly that. As we peaked over the edge we could see the remains of a car. The front axle with two wheels laid on the ground below.... a testament to how serious this place can be. Just the day before a couple had leaped to their end... how can such a marvelous place not change the minds of these poor souls?. Surely, the landscape alone would put a bit of life back in them. It exudes life, freedom, everything the spirit should be made of... and yet these fools are blind to it, and throw their bodies to the ground. Something I can't understand...

Overall, it was a great trip. I learned a great deal from the tour that my hubster forced us on... very grateful for it now. I loved seeing my family, and catching up with them.... as an adult with my family surrounding me.... ever so proud of my boys and hubster. I felt as though I had achieved a great deal since I was last there.

We came home with not a bump in the road, and pulled into our driveway at 1 am. So happy to be home and to have my little life back... yet, I will never forget my second home, and the great times I had while I was there.