Sacrifice and Dreams.

Yesterday my family and I were sitting at the patio table outside eating dinner. Watt's my three old was done eating his dinner, had gotten up from the table and was standing in his tractor that he drives around. He pointed directly at my husband and said " I'm going to poop in your food!"

My husband turns bright red, almost chocking on his dinner and starts to cry with laughter. What a ridiculous thing to say to someone… After we were done wiping tears from our eyes, my son flips around and drives off in his tractor. Three year olds are strange little beings.

Meanwhile, my one year old still refuses to use English as his first language and when he does manage to muster a word out, he speaks as if he's deaf. I'm not too worried about it because somehow he conveys what he wants through grunts and a shake of the head. He is a loving little pig that destroys everything in his path, but is smart as a button and loves like an angel

So those are my kids… that I spend most of my day with, while also juggling a stay at home job as an Interior Designer and Business Developer for an Architecture Firm, and an animal care giver.

The animal care giving may be the hardest tasks for me to juggle at the moment. Finding two hours a day to sneak out to ride, or groom my horse may be one of the most selfish things I can do. I feel guilty for enjoying myself with my horse Raven… I could spend all day out there with her…. honestly, all day. I will always find myself just standing at the gate looking at her beauty watching her walk…. I want to sit in the field with her and watch her take a nap. I'm completely smitten by her.

Meanwhile, my two sons are with my mother destroying the house and driving her blinking insane.

Today the ultimate test came my way. A random email showed up….asking me… no offering me a training job to start a riding school. The email was from the owner… she has an eight stall barn, owns two horses, has a riding ring, a round pen… 16 acres…. and all she wants is for me to take it over and run a summer camp and a riding academy. I re-read the email about forty times, looked up to see where it was… an hour and a half one way…. of course. I forwarded the email to my husband. He wrote back. "Seems a little too far" that was it. Hopes and dreams done- can't take the job because it would take up too much time and money to drive back and forth while raising a family and taking care of my own animals.

I couldn't help myself…. I checked out other horse related jobs…. a ton of jobs all over the place…. offering dream after dream of hard work and dedication worth of valuable lessons and skill sets. All of them… too far away or would take up too much time away from the boys… one after the other was a dream come true…. only to hear in the background my reality… granny yelling at the boys "Stop it! I'm tired, owwww that hurts, stop hitting me, no biting, ugh where is your MOTHER?!"

And so I snapped shut my lap top…. rushed to get some juice and a banana while shoving my hopes and dreams under the bed in my brain.

I just have to think about poop in my food….. to make it all worth while.
"I will poop in your food!" Wattsy said while pointing at my husband.

That…. is worth my time in gold.
A true bout of hysterical laughter…
A great dinner with my family.
And happy kids.

My dreams can wait. Right now I'm sure I am living a dream that will only last a second.

Watts is home and I'm selfish

Watts spent his first three night vacation at Granny's house. I went to go and get him yesterday. It was strange for me to see my toddler after being gone for three days. He was more happy to see James (his 9 month old brother) then he was to see me. 

I guess I can understand his feelings. I'm a monster to him. I yell at him constantly about breaking things in my house, I get mad at him for hurting his baby brother... he is just never doing anything right. 

I would be upset to see me too. 

Granny lets him do whatever he wants and is nice to him. 

He wanted to stay with Granny. 

He did not want to come home with me. 

It wasn't that bad though... I got him in the car, and he was fine. Going home with the monster. I took him to the barn with me, I had some things to do, and he was very good. He fed the horses treats, and stuck to my side. Overall he was a very good boy. 

This morning I fed him breakfast, and told him to go pee on the potty. To my surprise he did his first poop on the potty. He looked in shock. 

Is this a turning point in our relationship?

Could he be a different boy now? I don't know where Watts went... but I'm liking this new kid. I shall name him.... "Cool" 

like from parenthood. 

Anyway, life is ok right now. 

Potty training 

check. 

Baby asleep.

check

Mental Soundness

working on it

The hubster told me this morning that I was "selfish". 

That was a kick to my mental health. 

I mentally punched him in the face....

I just want him to have some friends. A life outside of making money and catering to all of my whims and wants and working on this house. He yelled at me saying that he has no time, he's too busy taking care of things, he has no time for fun... unlike me that is constantly "running away" to go be with horses. 

What a jerk. 

I promptly told him that if I didn't find time for myself I would get a divorce and ditch his kids. 

That shut him up. 

I was going for the wow factor on this, (I like the hubster and the kids... they just don't like me). 

BUT...

I still want him to get a life outside of being a slave to me and the boys. There is always time, if you make it for yourself. 

We can work around a schedule for him. 

He just needs to find something he wants to do first, and then we can go from there. 

Instead, I'm a selfish bitch that sucks the life out of people. 

Oh marriage....

It's just one big blame game. A Duel of the sex's. 

A tug of war of friends, family and life. 

The big suck. 

Bet your sorry now hubster!

Go sign up for Golf lessons on monday. 

just DO it. 

or else. 

Happy birthday Hubster

Happy birthday dad! says Dr.Ronald Skynard.

Its the hubsters birthday today. I suck at doing birthday related things. I don't really understand them. I had one good birthday when I turned 30. It was a surprise party that the hubster set up... I loved it because it was truly a surprise and because my closest friends showed up. I was actually really happy. Which is rare.

I wish I could do this for the hubster. I'm not friends with his friends, and most of them live over two hours away and they are dudes... dudes don't come running for birthday parties.

Instead, I'm going to make his favorite naughty pleasure. (chocolate chip cookies and/or tapioca pudding), and take him wherever he wants to go tonight without the monsters in tow.

He loves presents, but never needs anything nor will ask for something. I suck at giving presents... so this is a huge problem for me.

He is one of the most difficult people I know to buy for.

The only thing he likes are motorcycles, gnomes, little people, big people, small things, big things, novelty items, guns and animals wearing clothing (preferably tiny sneakers).

ho hum... think Liz THINIK!... what would he like....

I suppose I could dress Ron up in something great.
or beg someone to help me!

Ok.....
So if you have a motorcycle that you would like to donate to us, bring it over! He would love it.
better still, bring the motorcycle over with a big red bow, a dog wearing motorcycle goggles, boots and maybe some leather chaps will be driving it...., and in the side car there could be a drunk midget dressed up as a gnome holding some tapioca pudding.

My god.... his face would light up... he may even smile for the first time in years.... it would be the ultimate present!

It would make his day. and mine... since I pulled this amazing gift off!

so c'mon people. Help a lady out. Get my husband this amazing gift of love.

thanks.

or! I will get him this car to drive to work in... this would fit under  "Novelty Item!" 

You pay the price for snooping!

Amazing what rain will do. It's a cold rainy day, and I am feeling it... I just sat here for a few minutes thinking about what to write about. Of course I really really want to write about horses, but even that is starting to bore me. I can't be happy all the time....

I have been working on the SnapDragon Stables web page, and I think I finally finished it. I think it looks a little more complete now.  You can check out my design skills... if you want... here. http://www.ridesnapdragon.com/

 It went a lot faster once the the hubster sat down next to me and helped me with it. It was a good time working with him.... lots of "Stop pressing that button! What an idiot! Just put it at 385!, I told you this three times already how do you not know this by now?!""Move that over, no the other way, No, up... no no like this!"

 The hubster and I like to degrade each other as much as possible because it's funny. I like being called an idiot, it reminds me of my childhood. We actually make a really good team, and work well together.

So that was great, and then I heard "The Office" was on, and so I dashed out to catch the last five minutes of it.... and then I came back, and the hubster had gone through my facebook emails..... which was awesome!

Not just any emails... he found old emails that I had deleted. Emails that took me about 5 minutes to find, because I'm an idiot. How did he find this stuff so fast? It wasn't bad things... it was just old conversations that I really wouldn't have wanted him to read because it would make me feel uncomfortable.

 So when he confronted me on it... I felt extremely uncomfortable, angry, and annoyed that his snooping habits ( when we first started dating) were still very much a large problem.

Questions started flying at me left and right... Do I answer them? Do I actually have to answer questions that were wrongfully found?

The hubster never lets things go... if I don't answer them he will sit and stew like hot garbage in the sun till he explodes with maggots. If I don't answer these terrible questions he will look too deep into them and answer them himself... wrongly... and much worse then the true answers really are.

I am not a good liar (anymore)..... I find that it just makes things worse to lie. So I tell the truth... which hurts- but it ends things quicker. I warn people before I give a hard truth. "Do you really want to know the answer to this?" If I ask you this question- it's going to be something you really don't want to hear, so you better say "NO!"

I think telling the truth is a rare artform these days. People are so busy being polite and "PC" that they are living a lie without even knowing it. Many people don't even know that they are lying to themselves ,.... most are in complete denial. I wear everything on my sleeve. It's not nice to deal with at times I will admit. But at least you know I ain't bullshitting ya!

Anyway, the hubster got a dose of truth last night that sent him to bed in silence. I can tell he is mad... because he didn't even say goodbye this morning. Yet, he knows!!! He knows, that he was wrong for snooping. He's a naughty man that needs to mind his own business and trust me.

Am I wrong for not sharing my entire life with my husband? I didn't break any vows- and I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't even lie. I just didn't tell my husband I was in contact with this person or that I had a conversation with them through email.

Sure, I knew that he would be mad at me for talking to this person and it might hurt his feelings.... which is why I deleted it. If I want to talk to someone that you don't like, I'm going to do it... I just won't tell you because I know you will be mad. It's not lying, it's saving you from hurt feelings. I'm so rational. Not sneaky... just rational.

I refuse to feel bad about this. There. See. That's how it's done. I was honest with myself, I thought it through, I will not stress about it. Done. (You should read my "stress blog" next. It's a good one).

If you snoop, you will always find something you will not understand, and you may get upset. This is why I don't snoop, especially through drawers next to peoples beds. That is a huge no-no... and EWWW... I don't even want to tell you what sorts of things people keep in their side drawers. Or... underwear drawers, or under the mattress, or a book that has "Diary or Journal" written on it... or the ultimate, a medicine cabinet!!! Just don't bother... you won't find anything that is your business. Am I right?

 YES! Don't snoop.
As my mom would say:
"Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves"

Shopping List

The hubster is a serious business man. I like to email him about everything.

I just emailed him this. I couldn't help but laugh a little at how funny I am.

Email to the hubster:

I think I am going to go to Wally world to get some stuff. Did you pay the mortgage yet? And how much money am I allowed to spend? 

I need:

Honey

Baby oatmeal

Paper Towels

Appes

Oranges

Juice

White Sugar

Dish brush

Ky Jelly 

Batteries

ski mask

overalls

Can you think of anything else?

This keeps him on his toes. I like to make sure he reads my emails and pay's close attention. He noticed. 

And replied with.

"Oooo someone thinks they are sooooo funny. I did pay the mortgage".

And with that I'm off to Shop Rite. 

Happy for Monday.

My life on a sunday.

I actually looked forward to a Monday for the first time ever.

What a nightmare of a weekend. Nothing went right. The kids were badly behaved. The hubster was in a bad mood all weekend, which put me in a bad mood, which rubbed off on the kids. We got nothing done. We spent all of Saturday cleaning the house, I was looking forward to hanging out with my old college buddies that had been planned for a month.

My friend picked me up and we drove an hour into the city to meet up with the rest of the group.  Everyone that said they were coming, didn't show up. The people that did show up were on their cell phones the whole time. Nothing worse then having a phone shoved in your face showing you some website or a picture. Just put the stupid things away and be in the moment. It's terribly rude, and boring.  Needless to say, I think I'm done going to reunions.

All of Sunday was a complete downer due to me working off of 4 hours of sleep. I stumbled through the morning barking and flipping out every other minute. If it was annoying or loud I was going to let you know about it. I tried to take a nap and woke up to an angry family. I came downstairs and James stank of stink bug and Watt's had tricked the hubster into taking him to the potty, where he quickly broke loose and peed instead.... on the floor. Hubster is furious that he can't find diapers, Watts is running around naked, and I'm busy smelling Jbone's mouth to figure out if he actually ate the stink bug or was accosted by one. The hubster is insisting that James was attacked by the stink bug. I'm not buying it. I swear he burped up stink bug. Neither here nor there at this point....

I get everything in order and everyone settled down and in the car to go grocery shopping. I thought it would be nice to get some mussels that were on sale. $3.00. Get home and open the trunk of the car and almost threw up from the smell. The mussels stunk. It smelled like the bay at low tide. Argh.... of course.... my romantic dinner would have to stink to high hell. The hubster is annoyed with me because I kept talking about the smell.... we push dinner off till after I put the tots to bed.

Get the boys to bed and try to clean the mussels. It took an hour to determine what was dead, what wasn't... watching several videos on "You Tube" to see how to cook, clean, and check mussels...  by the time I got them clean and in the pot the whole house reeked of dead sea life. If you ever want to play a prank on somebody you hate with a passion, take 5 rotten mussels and hide them in a house or a car... hell it could even be outside.

Anyway,  Get them in the pot... add some white wine, garlic, this that, it's looking good... add some toasted bread...

Try to make it romantic and finally sit down with a glass of wine some candle light... and watch as the hubster takes his first bite. His face winces as he digs something out of his mouth... "I think I just bit into a pearl". "Thats not possible... mussels dont make pearls" "Well here... hold this pearl that was in my mouth" sure enough a tiny pearl....

I take a bite... my mouth was full of sand, grit, shit and the taste of rotten bay. That was enough to make me snap. "I can't eat this..." I get up from our dinner and start throwing dishes around... I look over and the hubster is sitting there all by himself looking pathetic as I throw a shit fit. Poor man, he was wearing the same face as a dog about to be euthanized.... now I'm just angry that I exist.

We both ditch the bay, drink the wine, and eat some home made hummus. The wine calms me down, and put's me right off to sleep.

I have never been so happy to see Monday.

Its all bad.

I havent had a single second to write my blog today. I normally write this in the morning, but I willingly gave my computer over to the hubster so he could do our tax's. He kept asking me where stuff was filed, and if it wasnt there, it was my fault. I love that game. He is currently yelling at me because I told him that the movie that he was enjoying is total crap. (Train spotting with Ewan McGregor). I have heard good things about it... but I'm not much of a fan of negative movies. It started with him injecting this girl with heroin and in the background is a baby. I don't like that one bit. It makes me want to rip my hair out. He turned it off. I think he does that to make me feel bad. He is a people pleaser. I am not... so I don't care that he is no longer enjoying the movie. I didnt tell him to turn it off, that was of his own free will. So now he is watching "Workaholics" which is a much better show. I quietly think it's funny. We are all much happier now. I just saved us both from a bad night.
Anyway, I think the hubster is addicted to watching anything that makes me feel terrible. If I stick around while he watches TV I have terrible dreams and sleep walk. One time I found myself hovering over James just making sure he was alive. It turned out that he was.

 It's the same with his music selection. It's better since I met him, but at first it was all very angry, lots of yelling. Meanwhile, I'm listening to Bob Marley and hugging trees and talking to my animal friends. I think Ace Ventura is my alter ego even though I despise Jim Carey. He is not funny, funny looking yes... but not funny. I think talking about movies is boring.  I shall stop now.

Anyway, I made veggie pizza the other night using my home made dough. It smelled amazing. I'm a pizza eater.. I have eaten some amazing pizza, this was not one of them. This healthy eating is starting to get to me. I am not enjoying my health bread. I have never liked whole wheat bread.

We made eggplant parm sandos tonight but didn't have rolls, so we used the rest of that pizza dough. It made for a nice roll. It was still too healthy for my taste though. It tasted like the health bread at Subway. I like to splurge on Saturdays with a cheese steak or a pizza or a hoagie. This will be the second weekend that I have gone without a treat. I'm feeling a little moody. It's like going without cake on your birthday. The only upside is that I am losing half a pound a day now. I am now the same weight I was before I got pregnant with my first kid. I havent had any white sugar since January 14th. I havent had a drink of alcohol since around the same time. I would kill for a beer.... The Hubster wont get me any, and I refuse to go to the beer store. I feel like a hick buying it. I like to pour my beer into a glass and sip it slowly like wine... mmm.... its like coffee in the morning , only it's night time. Anyway, instead I have this in my fridge. No beer, but we have cabbage! I love purple cabbage. Did you know that purple vegetables are packed with all sorts of good stuff?

Every Saturday we go to produce junction and get this for the week. This all costs around $30. 

We got this bread from ALDI, it was one of the worst things I have ever put in my mouth (number one on the list is Mango Chutney). I told my mom and dad that it was awesome... just to see their reactions. My mom needed to swish her mouth out after, havent seen her run that fast in a while... My dad on the other hand ate almost half of it saying it was great with cheese. He says the pumpernickle is way better. I will no longer trust his opinion on anything when it comes to taste testing.

Here is my whole wheat dough. Smells great, but tastes like the health bread from Subway.

spinach, kale, basil, broccoli, tomato, red pepper, onion, sauce and cheese.  Before going in the oven.

After. The crust was bleh, and the cheese sucked because I ran out of mozzerella and had to grate up some swiss, which tasted like feet. Overall I would give this pizza a 3 out of 10. You know it's bad when your two year old spits it out.

So this is what I'm eating... and what I really want right now is some crap ( that will make me double over in pain and give me the farts for a few hours) just so my brain can shut off for a second and bask in pleasure. But then I know I will feel terrible... not worth it.

The whole point of this healthy eating was that it was not a diet. I'm going to bed hungry, and feeling angry that my food tastes boring. It doesnt have to be that way. I think it's the lack of meat. I need to find some better vegetarian dishes.